Scouring the Heart

     This week has brought a lot of challenges, but also so much joy! It has been so easy to see the silver lining of gratitude despite the storm clouds of life. The past 20 hours has brought an even greater challenge: death and forgiveness. For those of you who are not animal lovers, you may not understand this; and for those that have recently lost a family member or friend, you may find this trite. Trust me when I say that I've had a good share of death in my life both human, and animal: I've watched my father die from cancer. I 've lost two babies from miscarriages. I went to the funeral of my best friend on my 7th birthday. I've even lost both grandparents- just to name a few. Please don't think that I'm trivializing your suffering because of the grief I express over the loss of a pet.     However, this is truly how I feel at this moment.  It is hard to put into words how torn up about this I feel. If tears scour the heart, consider mine clean. I keep thinking that I really don't have any more tears left, and another wave of sadness rolls in.
     It has been a long time since I've really had a pet to call my own. Harley is our family dog, but my hubby was the driving force behind us getting him. When we talked about moving, we began by promising the girls outdoor cats if we lived in the country the way we had dreamed of. They have been dreaming of cats since a very young age, and they were overjoyed at the prospect. They both laughed and gigled at the thought of getting the ultimate birthday present. This past week my hubby picked three darling kittens slated to live outside, but that we allowed in our entryway for a few days to get them accustomed to our family. We put up a gate to keep them apart from our dog, and they stayed away from our gate because our dog was intimidating to them.  Also, my girls really only left them to go to the bathroom and to eat. They even slept with them the first night, and then last night (because it was my eight year old's birthday wish). We were given three- two for my oldest, and one for me. There is nothing like the playfulness of a kitten, and the contentedness of having one climb into your lap to take a nap. I named mine Giselle. I love that name and after having four girls, I know my hubby's feelings on the name would prevent us from ever using it. She showed the most spunk out of all the kittens, and I was sure she would be the one to teach our dog a lesson if he ever got out of line. Growing up, my brother always had a dog and I had a cat. We researched on-line how to introduce dogs to cats, as my greatest concern was how he'd handle their addition to our family. Their introductions went well, and it apparently took away their inhibitions over him enough that Giselle decided to climb over the gate to explore. Every time he came near her, she would hiss and then give a low-throated warning to stay away. She even tried a swipe or two at him, which he would dodge. She was the most sensitive, and defensive around him. Long story short, I awoke this morning to our dog barking which I found odd...but when I heard my hubby's voice down with him, I felt assured that he had the situation at hand. When my girls came up to see me a couple of minutes later, I could tell that the birthday girl had been crying. Harley and Giselle fought, and he won. When I came downstairs and saw her motionless form laying in our living room, I wept. We had only had her for three days, but I loved her just the same. It feels like a horrible waste, and I have gone through feelings of intense sadness mixed with remorse over not doing enough to protect her followed by anger at our dog. I'll never be able to look at him the same way again.
     Forgiveness is essential; and yet in this case, I know it will take me a long time of continuing to say it out loud till I can actually feel it in my heart. I feel numb and raw, and hurt. My mom is a grief councilor,  and she said that there is always a treasure in grief. I can't find the one at this moment. I'll let you know if this changes.  Part of me wishes, we would have just gotten two cats. She could still be safe in her old home instead of buried in our back yard.
     Initially,  I was relieved when it was mine instead of my girls; but when they instantly started in with cries of protest over putting them outside and all the potential dangers,  I remembered what I think the hardest thing about having pets is: watching them die. I've already buried three cats. My first was also just a kitten when a neighbor dog ran into our yard, and snapped her back. I was three years old, but I can still remember vivid details from that day: the color of the sky, and the place in our yard that it happened...even the room I was held by my mom as my father shot my poor kitty that had been paralyzed and left dying by the attack.
     The hardest thing in all of this has been still looking at Harley. He still pads up to me expecting to go everywhere with me. He still expects the occassional treat. He still expects me to translate his whimpers to the girls. When I get up in the middle of the night, he stills gets up to greet me. Every time I look at him, I struggle with my feelings as I see the puncture wounds she inflicted on his face.  I feel angry with him for winning and just being a dog. I have a hard time touching him knowing what he has done. They say time heals all wounds, but I think that the longer the time after the incident, the easier the pain is to bear. I don't think it ever goes away. Right now the pain is nearly unbearable because it is so fresh.
     So, God, I turn to You and ask you to help me forgive. I ask You to forgive any neglect on my part,  and I ask for Your comfort and perspective on this. Could you bring me some joy too?

In the Trenches

     Yesterday my husband and I  celebrated 15 years of marriage. We've had our ups and downs, but overall I think we've had a really great journey together.  Last night as I was reminiscing,  I remembered our 1O year anniversary.  We took a trip to Ireland to celebrate; and one day as we were exploring Dingle Peninsula, we had a conversation that I took rather seriously.  It was all about feeling like we weren't really even friends anymore.  I remember being so upset by it that I considered throwing myself off the cliffs into the foaming water below. The one thing that kept my feet firmly on the ground was the knowledge that I had a two and four year old waiting at home that would never understand why I hadn't come home when I had promised that I would.  As we continued exploring, my hubby and I talked some more. It was clear that this wasn't the end of our marriage.  Neither of us wanted that (although when we first talked I felt overwhelmingly hopeless about it). This was merely a call for us to decide to make our marriage a priority instead of it revolving around the kids. Later that same year, God made Himself very real to me as I began to seek after Him. My husband began the same journey that year, and by the following spring I remember us being happier than we'd been in the  previous 10 years of marriage. I went from feeling supremely low to extremely high in just a matter of a year. I'm so glad that I didn't give into that feeling...I would have missed out on the best years of my life.
     They say that when you marry your husband that you really marry your dad. My hubby and my dad do have many things in common: the both are very good at fixing things, enjoy planting and watching things grow, and like investing in relationships. My hubby actually uses my dad's old Alles Chalmers to mow our yard, and till our garden despite the fact that it is almost as old as I am...obviously, he's had to do a number of repairs on it.
     One big difference between the two of them has been their reaction to my dream. Albeit, I was probably only 6 or 7 at the time, but I had just read a biography about Fanny Crosby and decided that I wanted to write for a living.  When I shared it with my dad he made a comment about investigating other occupations. As an adult, I can see that he was probably making the comment out of concern for my finances, not saying that I wouldn't be good at it. As a child though,  I was convinced that he didn't think I had the talent for it. I carried this misgiving with me for years despite being told otherwise by others and even winning runner up in a writing contest during college.
     When I told my hubby of my dream, he said simply, " What can I do to help you make this happen?" There was no doubt in his mind about me. This was huge for me...that he believed in me! He even invited over a friend of his that was an author to give me some help. It has been at least three years since I told him about this dream, but I've struggled with thinking that I really have anything of valuable to share with others .  There are some pretty amazing people out there with better stories than mine. A dear friend of mine gave me a devotional; and in the forward, it explained how rare it was to find mom's that were willing to write about their experiences "in the trenches". That was a completely new thought to me, but encouraging. Last year when my hubby left his secure job to go to a start-up company and eventually into his own business,  I was determined to write it all down in a book specifically for our kids.  Unfortunately, I fell behind and got discouraged. Even now when I read what little I did write, I'm amazed by the emotion I felt at the time about my situation.  I would write completely differently about it now...maybe because I know the end of that story.
     This June when I realized we were in for another amazing ride, I decided to start blogging about it. So here I am, and I love it! Had my hubby not been so enthusiastic about my dream, I doubt I'd be sharing this with you publicly. It is a rare and special thing to find someone who fully gets you and supports your dream. I believe that God hand picked him just for me. Thank you, honey, for the past 15 years, and for letting me live my dream!

Without Water

      It's funny how my early memories around our first home started with our challenge of not having a shower, and one of our first challenges in our new home is water-related as well.
      It's really all my fault if you think about it. I wanted to take the girls swimming after our closing, but I chose to get groceries.  By the time we got back, there wasn't much time left to swim before the afternoon nap. I told the girls we'd go after nap time. What I had forgotten was that there are swimming lessons at the pool on Monday afternoons, which we still would have been taking had I realized we would stay in the area. After getting suited up and slathered up, I realized we wouldn't be able to go swimming.  I then came up with the not so brilliant idea to put in a slip n' slide (which led to a sprinkler when the water pressure wasn't that great). Those of you who live in the country can probably already see where this is going. Maybe those of you in the city that read the title of my post can too. Well after this water frivolity, I was unable to use the sink for water while cooking. I thought it had to do with the fact that my hubby had to open up a different valve for the spigot to work. I thought he'd just shut off a valve, and open a different one. He came in from grilling the celebratory steaks rather concerned, but the water faucet was once again working. He realized that we were using too much water for our well to keep up with during this mid-western drought we are experiencing.  We continued with our night time routine after he checked the pump to verify that it was still pumping well although the pressure was low.
     When I went to bed, I washed off my dirty feet. The water ran out again during this, but I figured the pump was trying to keep up with our usage like before.  I thought after another half hour we'd have water again like earlier in the evening.
     I was wrong. When I was roused from my sleep from my daughter because I had forgotten to put a diaper on her before bed and she had had an accident, I checked the water only to find it still not working. I let my husband know at this point, but unfortunately the damage had already been done to the pump. I wish now I would have woken him up after washing my feet.
     This has led to being without water for the past 24 hours. The earliest we could schedule a repair is this morning. The good thing about this is that we will have a submersible pump that will improve our flow rate, and is built to resist burning out if it runs dry again. The bad thing is we are out a good chunk of change within a few days of living in our new home.
     This past Sunday the pastor preaching at our church spoke on Romans 8:28 which talks about all things working together for good. What I really liked that he pointed out was that our definition of good is not always the same as God's definition of good. He tied in the following verse to this which speaks of God conforming us to the image of Christ...which is God's definition of good. This is why God can allow "bad" things to happen to us. I know that I have a whole new appreciation for water (and I'm glad I bought all those little jars of hand sanitizer at the sale last year--it sure is handy to have them at every sink). Also, when given the perspective of all the people that are truely suffering thus feels like small potatoes. This isn't anything compared to a friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, a friend whose husband has been diagnosed with throat cancer, or another friend whose four year old is suffering from an inoperable brain tumor.
     I believe this water issue is meant to make me feel sour, and steel my joy. Too bad! It's not working. I'm still so grateful for this amazing house and the beauty of the countryside!

Tiny Giants in the Land

     It's funny how when the Israelites went into the promised land they still had giants to face. God didn't magically chase them all away for them. They had to face them; and though God gave them the strength and victory, they still had to show faith by actually doing their part and fighting them.
     I am now facing my first giant in our new, lovely home that God has given us: ticks! I picked one off our dog this afternoon, and my husband found two crawling on him today. Because of our mild winter this past year, they especially thick. Only a few minutes ago, he whispered to me, "What are you doing? I just found a tick crawling on me in our bed."  It took my groggy mind a second or two to process that one...then, my mind began playing tricks on me.  I began feeling invisible bugs crawling all over me. Isaiah 41:10 instantly came to mind which says, "Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
     So I'm going back to bed, and resting in the promise that I don't have to be afraid. God hasn't brought me to this amazing home to let me be defeated. He is right here with me.
     Do any of you country folk have advice for this city girl? I'd be much obliged if you'd leave it in my comments section!

The Promised Land

     This is the moment I have been waiting for.  This is the moment that I get to share with you how God has stepped in to the perform the most amazing miracle that I've gotten to witness so far.  I used to be afraid people would think that I'm bragging when I tell them things God has done; but this story is not about me.  Who am I really--just one among billions (with a big mouth)?  If I keep quiet about this, "the stones will cry out".(Luke 19:40)

     You might remember that we close on our house on July 23rd, which is only four days away.  Last week we settled where Brent would work when he picked his job last Wednesday.  What you don't know is that a week ago today we saw two houses, fell in love with one, put in an offer and after some negotiating we are buying it.  It takes a standard 30 days for the bank to be able to put together a loan...but we have to be out by Monday.  The home owners of the house we are buying have agreed to let us "rent" our house from them till we close.  Yes, the house we fell in love with is amazingly not occupied.  All of the things that had to come together for this to occur are amazing! 

     Some things in life are wonderful blessings, but many people would not feel comfortable calling them miracles.  This is not one of those situations.  This is clearly astounding to me and my family.  This is what makes it qualify for a miracle in my book:

This is a miracle for my husband because

      a) It is on 10 acres

      b) in the country

      c) with a large pond with a fresh water spring

      d) with a generously wooded acres for hunting,

      e) and it has a huge, beautiful workshop 

       f) along with a huge rustic red barn

He asked the realtor for all these things when he asked her to look for houses for us, but we didn't know that we would find one that met ALL of these requirements.

This is a miracle for me because

      a)It has a large kitchen (and a ginormous pantry),

      b)TWO and a half  large bathrooms (we currently have 1.5 small bathrooms),

      c) unbelievable closet space

      d) a lovely cellar for storing food

      e) plenty of room to run around the house and have people over

      f) within a mile of two dear friends

      g) on the road that I have asked God a million times if I could possibly live on. (Even though I thought it was a crazy prayer because we were supposed to be moving far away from here)  We have driven by this property probably close to a hundred times in the past 5 years because our friends live by it.  This house isn't even close to a downsizing--remember my fear?

This is a miracle for my kids because

     a)they can finally get the outdoor cats they've been dreaming of and

     b) have three homeschooling families with a couple of miles of them, (which means more kids to play with than in our current subdivision neighborhood).

     c) They will also be within ten minutes of a wildlife park that we have a connection at that offered to let our children help with some of the animals.

     d) They will also be five minutes away from a horse stable that one of my children has been offered a position in a few years from now.

     e) Two of them that have birthdays in the next month and a half, will be able to celebrate with their friends they've made since being born in this area.  One of the things I heard them talk the most about with sadness was not being able to celebrate their birthdays with their friends.

    This is a huge answer to prayer...and shows the amazing power of God to answer all of our prayer requests down to the very last detail.  He provided the house of our dreams the day after we settled on a job that we can move into in less than a weeks time (and on the very road I've been asking to live on)!  Try to figure out the odds on that one!!

      Also, money is a huge sticking point for me.  It is really hard for me to trust God on this issue.  There is a fine line of stewardship vs. letting money control you, and I don't always stay on the right side of this line.  My husband is much more easy going with money.  We generally do a good job of balancing each other out.  One of the hardest things for me about letting our current home go has been all of the work and money that we have put into fixing and updating our house that we essentially aren't recouping from it.  (Of course, if we hadn't put anything into it; we might be selling it for less than we bought it for.)  Just to clarify, the vast majority of the work was done by my hubby, not me.  

     The home we are buying has been on the market for two years--just the thought of that boggles my mind.  It has waited two years for us.  No, I believe God set it aside for the past two years for us.  We both find it hard to believe.  Because it has been on the market for so long, they have already reduced the price by a really good amount.  Add to that the lovely negotiating power of my husband and the favor of God...and we are getting more than just a good deal.  As my brother would say, this deal is "smoking"!  If you look at any comparable properties, they are way, way more expensive.  The other night, we kept wondering if there was something hidden that was making this so reasonably priced.  The more we have dug, we can't find anything.  The thought of selling our home for less than I personally valued it at when we didn't know where or even if we needed to move was a challenging thing for me to accept.  It all went back to allowing my husband to lead.  Either I let him lead, and trust God to work out the details, or I make no progress in this area that I believe God is challenging me to grow in.  Clearly this has worked out very well for me!

     I feel so blessed right now that I feel like I could explode with gratitude!  To all those who have been praying with me about this, may I sincerely say, "Thank you!"  Thanks for sharing this journey with me.  It is by no means over...this is just the beginning of our adventures in our promised land.

In Quietness and Trust

      There is a lot going on right now. We are getting ready to move, but there is also a story that I'm dying to tell you. However, until it is a signed deal, my lips are sealed. This is proving to be very hard for me. Today, I was talking to God about how excited I was, and asking "Why am I having to wait to share this?" A verse from last week's message instantly flooded into my head. The pastor preaching at our church was sharing Isaiah 30:15 . It says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." The context of the verse is that the Assyrian army was coming to take over Jerusalem and people of the town were having a hard time repenting of their trust in the nation of Egypt to come to their rescue. They didn't want to sit still and merely trust God, but that is all they needed to do. He gave them the victory in His timing.

      As soon as I thought of the verse, I realized the problem that I was having:

Although I didn't lose any sleep over where we were going when I didn't have a clue, this past week has been hard for me to rest. I've actually woken up a couple of nights and been so excited that I can't go back to sleep without getting up and praying and reading in the Bible. I've rationalized it in my head that it's just because I'm so grateful. Indeed, I am grateful, but do I really think this is a spiritual thing that I'm having a hard time waiting on His timing. No, it is because I'm impatient, and I want to figure this all out as soon as possible. This verse hit me like a ton of bricks, especially the last part of it: "but you would have none of it". So this afternoon despite everything going on, I laid down and took a nap for 30 minutes. Guess what? I actually slept, and I feel much better. We were designed to rest, not to go, go, go 24/7. I'm taking this verse to heart, and I encourage you to do the same. When it is His timing, I will be able to shout from the mountaintops of His goodness. For right now, I'm quietly resting and waiting on Him.

Sentimentalist vs. Hoarder

      In light of the fact that we are closing on our house in a week and a half, much of my free time has been spent in  packing.  I was recently asked how I felt about all this moving, and I really feel like it is a good opportunity to look at why we have certain things.  My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years; and although we moved 5 times in the first 5 years, we haven't move at all since we've had kids.  That means that we've had ten years to accumulate everything that our house will readily hold.  Before that, we always lived in an apartment.  What does that mean:  we have lots of stuff!  We moved in as a family of two, and we are moving out a family of six.  That alone means we will have more things just by necessity of somewhere to sleep.

     I'm naturally a sentimentalist ( I prefer this to the term hoarder), but I also think that I've grown a lot in that area over the past couple of years.    When I was a little girl, I saved everything...including the Kleenex that I used for crying over the cats that died.  (I can hear a collective "Ewww!")  I've gotten rid of more stuff in the past year than I've probably parted with in the previous ten years.  That's because my perspective has changed a lot of what I value.  Some things I was just holding on to because I thought I'd use it someday.  I've learned that's not a good reason to keep something.  I think part of that comes from maturity, but part of it comes from a desire to enjoy where we are.  For a long time, I was only looking at things from a point of what we'd need "once we moved".  We didn't have enough room for the things we were keeping, but it'd be" just right once we moved."  We had only planned on actually staying in this house for five years, not ten.  It's funny how plans change.

       My husband has also played a big role in this.  He really has a desire for simplicity (which is sometimes battled by a delight in technology--I think that's part of him being an engineer).  He has really challenged me to look at the why behind things.  In light of our move, we actually talked about selling our piano to avoid the headache of moving something so heavy.  The more we talked about it, the more I realized how much it actually meant to me.  It was given to me by my late dad, so I have a sentimental attachment to it.  However, I really, really love to have music in our house.  I love playing my music CD's or the radio.  I love hearing my girls playing the piano, especially the little one who doesn't really know how to.  It even makes me happy to sit down and play.  After some discussion, we decided to keep it, and that makes me really happy.  It really makes me feel loved that he is willing to move it for me.

      There are other things that are a no-brainer for me now.   I have learned to take pictures of much of the artwork of my kids, and only save the masterpieces.  I've learned that after seeing the same outfit go through four kids, there is sometimes a reason it has survived.   Ugly outfits are still ugly outfits.  I have greatly reduced what I have saved by each child.
      At the beginning of last fall when my hubby's new position required a move, I prayed a lot about it.  Honestly, I didn't really want to move there, but that seemed foolish since he had a good job there. I began to ask God to help me let go of our current home if He had something better out there for us.  I believe that He does have something amazing out there for us, so I'm letting go with a big smile on my face, and taking the piano along.