The Gift

          "I can't empty the dishwasher;  I'm not done decorating!!" Gracie lamented through gritted teeth. It was the second time that I had asked her to come empty the dishwasher, and her frustration with my lack of "understanding" showed in her tone of desperation. I wanted the dishwasher emptied right that instant. My lip was not protruding yet, but my face was bearing a serious pout that only a martyr of motherhood can wear properly. This day was special.   I resorted to using the strongest persuasion that a mother can utter but one day out of the year: "...but it's MY birthday." 
          To which she agonized, " I know!! THAT'S why I'm decorating!  It's your present!!"  I tried to explain that a real present would be to do what I asked even if it conflicted with her plans, but I could sense that Gracie was not getting my point.
            'Tis the season of giving, so I have been more reflective than usual about gifts in general. That day, I felt a gentle nudge about how many times I had been "giving" God my time (like with volunteering at church), but blowing up at the kids when we were late for my "serving" commitment. God's commandments boils down to two things: loving Him and loving others (Luke 10: 27). The best gift I can give God this season is what He really wants: everything done in love. This is what I'm focusing on...love.
         Do you ever feel like the ugly step-daughter of God that He has decided to ignore all your requests? That's a little how I felt lately. I've searched my heart for what is holding Him back from me and come up empty. It's moments like these that I try to hold onto what I know to be true. (Reading about Joseph waiting 13 years to be out of his dark season puts my impatience in perspective--I hope I don't have 13 years of this!).  My birthday was feeling a little less than perfect this year. I had planned on going on a fun field trip or something (birthdays are holidays in our school); but Sierra, our cat, showed up two days earlier and her shots were overdue. She hadn't been around for two months. She's been upset ever since the kittens arrived over a year ago. We had to hold her captive in a seperate coop till we could take her to the vet, which ended up being my birthday.
           Gracie decorated in the house after the vet appointment, while I sat on the porch attempting to spend a little time with Sierra before she took off. I told God how hopeless I felt about Sierra, making changes in my life, getting more organized,  and just life in general. It's hard to hold onto hope when you don't see answers to what you are praying for. It's easy to believe in God, but not that He actually rewards those who seek Him out (Hebrews 11:6)...especially when you don't feel rewarded. I asked God if He still heard me, if He was really still working on my requests, and for some sort of sign that He still loved me. I told Him how heartbroken I was that Sierra kept running away and refused to make peace with our other cats. I felt to blame for having too many cats around. I remember feeling that if there was no hope for Sierra, there was no hope for me. The longer I stayed on the porch with the cat, the more she hissed at me and refused to even let me pet her. When Mary came home from school, I asked her to let Sierra go after saying goodbye.  Who knew when she would be back.
          When we arrived home at the end of AWANA that night, I was shocked to see Sierra waiting for us at the front door. I put her back in the coop that night, and she has been at our house ever since (sleeping by herself at night). She not only came back but has been extremely affectionate since that day.That one answer to prayer was enough for my faith to skyrocket.  I know God is still working; and the lack of answers, just means that He has better ideas than I can request.

If you're feeling hopeless,  this post is for you.  He is still there. He hears every request. He's working and His solution is better than you could ever imagine! Keep believing and loving those around you.

Merry Christmas!

Building a Web

          "How long will it be till I find someone else that likes running?" I asked God this during my morning conversation, but it was more in resignation than a request.  With five kids, I have a hard time keeping my attention focused on a conversation with another adult long enough to know somebody beyond their name let alone their hobbies. I had talked about running with a kind soul at the original church we had attended when we first moved to Missouri (note that this was only possible because four of my five kids were in the children's church). For many reasons, we decided to check out another church a couple of months ago, leaving behind my running connection. I haven't found another nursing room there, let alone another nursing room buddy...but God is not deterred by minor things like my ideas of how something should happen.  A couple hours after that conversation with God, we were at the local library for story time. A mom that I had met the week before at the library started talking to me about running; and before I knew it, Mary and I signed up for our very first 5K (which'll be coming up in just a few weeks). I could easily imagine God chuckling at my surprise. That was really quick answer to pray.
            The thing that has been hardest about moving is leaving behind the support network of moms and families we had in Illinois.  In December,  I remember being sad that the children were still feeling disconnected from having real "friends". I felt a pang of responsibility and guilt. Maybe I made a mistake by continuing to homeschool them. It was hard to have priorities beyond school and unpacking for me this fall. I wanted to feel at home in our home before having people over, but there was a depressive gloom on our girl's faces, especially the older ones. What's a mom to do? Well, I said yes to every e-vite for the monthly homeschooler field trip. I also decided to join a homeschool co-op.  I've never been against co-ops. I just don't like to commit to someone else's schedule (and try to get everyone somewhere on time and prepared with homework and such). I like the flexibility of taking a week off anytime I want and being done as early as May. God heard my cry and protestations. I just happened to show up at AWANA early for pick-up, just happened to meet with a homeschooling mom who hooked me up with one of the founders of a wonderful co-op that has 12 week semester (thus relieving some of my issues with commitment). It has been one of the best experiences of my short teaching career. We've made friends and had playdates, besides being challenged to be a better teacher (like learning what sensory bins are and how to incorporate them...currently Mr. Blue Eyes loves his morning "sensory bin"--our dog's food tub).
           God hasn't stopped with helping me build my "web" of friends.  He's placed two other friends (that also happen to homeschool) in my path that have no connection to the co-op or library time or AWANA. Both of them have their own areas of expertise,  and I've really loved getting to know them better. Sometimes it's hard for me to wait for God's answer to my prayers.  Sometimes I am tempted to think He isn't listening at all, but looking back I am grateful for the timing. Do you really appreciate something unless you truly feel the loss? When I recently read the account of a cripple being healed by Peter and John in Acts 3-4, I was suprised when I read Acts 4:22. It says, "For the man on whom this sign (miracle) of healing was performed was more than forty years old." I wondered what it would feel like to wait more than forty years for my answer to come. He'd been crippled since birth (Acts 3:2). Surely his mom prayed for healing while she cradled him in her arms for the first time or when she realized that he was different from the other children. I imagine his mother was truly grateful for his healing after watching him struggle for so long. The crippled man must have felt happy as well.
            A friend recently asked how I knew different people and had found some connections for various homeschool opportunities after just living here since September.  Later, I realized it was because God had blessed me with placing people right where I could meet them. That's truly an answer to my prayers and an answer to many of your prayers that have come alongside me in the past few months. I was so thankful for all of you who contacted me after my posting about our sickness, offering to pray for us. It connected me to you. It prompted me to start asking others how I could pray for them, which connected me to them. Today, I'm so thankful for the web of support and especially for the One who built it for me.