Facing Your Fears

     I used to be afraid that if people knew how horribly messed up I really am, no one would  like me.  Now that I only really care what God thinks of me, that fear has gone bye-bye.  The last time I was pregnant, a new fear surfaced...that we would move out of our current house and downsize.  When my hubby talked about moving into a much smaller house around the corner, I seriously felt panic-stricken.  When I discussed this with my mentor, she told me that I should give myself a break...I was around 20 weeks pregnant at the time and of course, hormones can make everything seem more intense than it really is.  She also reassured me that it probably wouldn't happen, "Even God is reasonable".

    So here we are, about 3 weeks away from our close date and with no job offer to move for, we are now looking at renting near where we currently live.  My hubby's current job will keep him commuting till the end of September.  We are not sure what is after that. Nothing has been formally decided, and none of the interviews has led to anything solid so far.  This, of course, could all change with just one phone call...but it is time to start working on plan B.  It also means that it's not the time to look at a permanent residence like buying a house or even looking at renting something for the next year.  We might be able to commit to a couple of months, but that's it.

     This morning, I realized that I'm now facing my greatest fear once again three years later during a different pregnancy:  moving from our comfy finished house to some place that we can rent on a month by month basis which will be most likely also be a downsize.  Although the prospect doesn't thrill me, I'm not freaking out either...maybe that will happen when we actually start living elsewhere.  I don't know, but I like to think that I'm beginning to feel a little of what the apostle Paul wrote about in Philipians 4:12-13 where he shares about his secret to contentment whether he had little or plenty..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I can't tell you that I am the picture of contentment, but I'm not worried either.  I can hear my husband's laughter as he reads that last statement; but when I vowed to love, honor, obey and cherish my husband in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, I really meant it.

The Doormat

     I know there are some people who think that I am a doormat in my marriage.  Some people reading this might even think that, but for the record that is not who I am.  My marriage is not a dictatorship.  It is run a lot more like a democracy.  We all discuss things together, and everyone's opinion is considered.  However as the president of our family, my husband does have veto power.  I feel like my opinion is valued, and very welcomed by him.  Early on in my marriage I had a hard time not offering my opinion on everything and anything.  I think the fact that I let him make the end choice gives him the freedom to try things the way that he thinks will be best for our entire family.  It enables him to be a real leader.

    As I hinted to during the first ten years of my marriage, I really tried to change the things about my husband that were "obviously" wrong with him.  It didn't work very well.  He didn't change, and I felt miserable to boot.  I even spent some time wondering if I'd made a mistake in whom I married.  I'm sure that he did that at times too...as I am not perfect either.  Then about five years ago, I went through a weekend retreat called the Great Banquet, and it changed everything.  My relationship dramatically changed with God, and it impacted every other relationship including my marriage.  About three years ago is when I really began to feel compelled to let go of my controlling tendencies, and try to let my husband lead as God led him.  It is a growing process, and I'm still learning as I go.  I still have relapses, and thankfully my hubby and God are forgiving...but I truly feel like I'm making forward progress.  To those of you out there that are afraid to let your husband lead, I have to say that although it has been challenging at times I feel much more at peace and much happier.  I used to have issues sleeping.  Despite the fact that we are still unsure of where we will be moving to in less than four weeks, I haven't lost a single night's sleep.  I've been sleeping like a baby.  This is a big change from the way my life ran even five years ago.

     I do not get trampled on in my marriage, but I am gently protected beneath his arm.  When I was willing to let my husband lead,  I found that he became extremely protective of me.   I am not the doormat; I'm his right hand girl.

      Also, I really love my husband.  Many people may not figure into the mix how much my husband really loves me as well.   He knows everything about me (and I do mean EVERYTHING--I don't keep secrets from him), and he still loves me and accepts me for who I am. I have a lot of faults and he's chosen to overlook my mistakes and still love me. That alone is enough to make me willing to follow him to the ends of the earth.   

   

My favorite stories

     Well, it is officially just a month till we close on our house...so we will be moving sometime before then.  The mood was honestly a little tense around here today, so I began reminiscing on some of my favorite stories from this house. They cheered me up, so maybe they'll make you smile too.

     When we first moved into our home, it had one full bath and one half bath...although I'm not sure that the full bathroom could really be considered that because it had only a bathtub which was a slight problem for me at the time.  I was six months pregnant, and I only took showers.  The thought of washing my long hair in the bathtub was a bit daunting.  There was a shower in the corner of our cobwebby basement, but I assured my hubby that it was scarier than any camp shower I'd been in, and that I would NOT feel clean after showering in it.  Being the excellent problem solver that he is, he ended up attaching a very long garden hose to the utility sink in the basement that reached all the way through the house to our 2nd floor bathroom and ended in a shower head attachment.  I used our cell phone to call him on the cordless home phone in the basement in order to ask him to make the water "a little hotter", or "a little colder" until he got it just right.  At the end of my shower I called him to get him to turn it off.  It makes me smile just to think about it.

      Then there is time that our 2nd story toilet overflowed, and the children and I came running downstairs in time to see a downpour of water cascading from the ceiling into our informal dining area.  Picture yourself behind a waterfall, and you are not too far off from what I saw.  Unfortunately, all the Halloween candy was in bags on the counter directly under the water fall.  We had to throw the candy away, and they told everyone they met that they were afraid of "the flood".  It was lots of fun explaining this one.  They were so afraid of another "flood" that it took several months to convince them that it was OK to flush the toilet.

      We ended up purchasing an alarm system for our home several years ago, and we clearly explained to them to not go downstairs in the middle of the night...but to come and get us in our room.  We even set the alarm off, so they could hear just what it would sound like so there would be no curiousity.  We felt like we had been very thorough in explaining this, but our two year old had a very restless night.  In the middle of the night, I was startled from my sleep by the sound of the alarm going off.   I was in the children's room supposedly comforting my two year old when I had dozed off.  I met my husband dashing into the hallway also startled from his sleep.  He instantly asked where our two year old was, and when we put two and two together, I ran down the stairs to find her shaking in fear.  The alarm had reached that extremely loud pitch that hurts most human ears.  She literally lept into my arms, and we turned off the alarm.  She had gone looking for me, and hadn't realized I was sleeping right next to her.  After that, she told everyone that she was scared of the "beep, beep", which I had to explain was the sound our alarm made.

      I'm not sure what our future holds, but I know Who does.  I've been listening to the newest CD by Britt Nicole, and the lyrics from her song "Who You Say You Are" have really encouraged me...so I'd like to share them with you (I took the liberty of taking out some of the repeating lyrics to make it easier to read):   You know my name.  I know You wrote my story.  But there are days, I can't see a happy ending.  No, no.  Life get's hard.  Sometimes it just hurts.  It's kicking me down and throwing me curves. When I feel the rain,  I won't be afraid.  'Cause I know You are Who You Say You Are.  You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.  Yeah, You got my heart.  I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.  'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.  I've had control, but I didn't know where I was going. Yeah, yeah.  I went down my road, but my road just left me broken, yeah yeah.  I see it all now.  I don't know how, but there's never been a time that You let me down. Or walked away, so I'm not afraid.

Longing to Settle

     First of all, Wisconsin is currently out of the running as far as jobs.  My hubby has a second interview today a few hours from where we live in Illinois, which is promising.  There is also an interview in Michigan on Monday.  As far as we both know, production has not begun in Colorado...so that would be a red light in that direction for this moment.  I keep praying that God will provide a job that will pay for us to move.

      This last week has had its shares of up and downs.  We had our home inspection done, and there were a number of things the buyers wanted taken care of.  We are currently in negotiations about them, but they seem to be responding reasonably about this.  We, of course, are trying to be reasonable as well.  

      This morning I was thinking that I would just like to know where we are going, and know where we are going to settle.  I feel overwhelmed thinking of all that will be happening in the next few weeks.  There's not a whole lot I can do right now, except to enjoy the peace and quiet.  I really long for my hubby to find a job that is satisfactory, so that we can begin digging in and establishing a new norm.  It hasn't been ideal to have my hubby gone for so much of the work week for the past 8 months, but it was something that we all made sacrifices during...and I believe we are a much, much closer family.  We have adapted, and I'm proud of my children.  I'm also very proud of my hubby,  driving several hours a day for an extended period of time on top of long days has to be incredibly hard to sustain.  Yet he has.  Kudos to him!

     Every day, I read a few chapters in my Bible, and today a couple things really spoke to me especially in light of my desire to settle already.  Moses was addressing the Israelites in Deut.29:6 when he says, "The reason he (God) hasn't let you settle down to grown grain for bread or grapes for wine and strong drink, is so that you would realize that it is the Lord you God who has been caring for you."   This year is the first year that we haven't planted a garden for as long as I can remember being here.  We enjoyed our asparagus, strawberries, sour cherries, lettuce, cilantro, chocolate mint tea and raspberries, but this wasn't anything we had to plant.  It all came up on it's own.  I know that God is watching out for us, and caring for us.  I am even more aware of it right now because I'm constantly talking to Him about my situation and feeling His peace.  Earlier this week when my hubby talked about buying a mobile home, I took several deep breaths...and had several conversations with God about this.  In my mind, I picture moving to a home out in the country with a large tire swing hanging from a tree and a wrap-around porch, not that there is anything wrong with trailer parks-it's just not what I have envisioned for our large family. 

     The second thing that really spoke to me was Deut 32:11 that says, "He spreads his wings over them, even as an eagle overspreads her young.  She carries them up her wings-- as does the Lord his people."  I had mentally pictured a baby eagle sitting on its mother's wings, and it filled me with warm fuzzies to think of God carrying me like that.  I tried to find a picture of it on the internet.  The more I looked into it , I realized that's probably not an accurate picture.  I realized that it refers more to the mother eagle pushing her babies out of the nest, and if she sees that they are unready to fly yet, she swoops in to carry them on her wings and glides to safety.  

     This actually seems even more appropriate to my situation though.  I feel like I'm being pushed from my nest, but God is waiting to carry me if my wings aren't ready yet.  There is a speed implied in this, and I know that God's timing is perfect.  The thought of a safety net like that is enough to make me want to smile, and tell my children that this IS all going to work together for our good.  I don't know where we will settle yet, but when we get there it is going to be good...and it might even have a tire swing and a wrap-around porch.

Remembering Miracles

          There is a reason that the miraculous deliverance of the Israelites happened before the years of wandering in the wilderness.  I believe it was so they would have something to look back on and reflect upon.  I'm sure many times they were wondered if they would ever make it to the promised land.  Thinking back on all the miracles God had performed, I'm sure, encouraged them.  Tonight I'm feeling tempted to be a little whiny, so I think it is time to look back at what God has done.  Every year our church does a three week corporate fast.  Last year, I selected three seemingly impossible prayer requests...and every last one was answered beyond my wildest dreams.  My friends mother had been diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer, and given 6 months to live.  Within six months, she was not only still alive, but in complete remission.  Another friend had a daughter with a critical surgery coming up for a birth defect that was not only rare, but life threatening.  That surgery was successful, and her daughter came home from the hospital sooner than had even been hoped.  My husband had been waiting for a breakthrough in his job.  He had been waiting for an open door to leave the major corporation that he had worked for to have a job he truly enjoyed.  He left when a door presented itself in March and ended up consulting for a different company that later offered him the position he'd been hoping for.  This prayer request took the longest to answer, but our answer did come.  I felt like I'd sort of hit a spiritual jackpot.  I've never had prayer request this big all answered like this.  For the record, I believe my part in this was merely to make the request.  Our pastor recently shared a story of his kids using the universal sign to ask truckers to honk, and when they did honk, the kids said, "Look what we did!"  He related that our prayers are similar to them asking the truck driver to honk.  We don't really do anything, but ask.  God is the one with the power, and He chose to answer these three prayers of mine.  I wrote to our pastor with the good report of having all three prayers answered, and he asked why I thought that this had happened.  I really didn't have a good answer at the time, but I think I'm beginning to understand a little more.

          I think it was to remind me of how powerful God really is...that even if I can't see Him at work right now, that He is there with the same power that He had a year ago.  I think it is so that on nights like tonight when I feel discouraged that I can remember what He has done, and be reminded that He can answer my prayers all over again. It is a reminder to trust Him period.  

         We close five weeks from today, and we still don't know where we are going.  Michigan is now a possibility, too.

          My favorite Beth Moore quote that I recently read is ,"If you dare to believe and don't get your miracle, God has a bigger one planned.  Stay tuned."  So readers, I certainly don't know what is ahead, but I know who does.  I'm leaving it in His hands...I'd love to see another miracle come our way.

The Marvelous Misadventures

           In five weeks from tomorrow, we will be closing on our house.  There is now an opportunity in Wisconsin and a couple hours away from where we currently live in Illinois in addition to the opportunity in Colorado.  We are still unsure of where we will move.
           This morning, I began remembering all kinds of stories about my dad that made me smile, so here are my favorite in no particular order:

1. The infamous "clown" pants- We called them this because they were the most obnoxious bright pair of plaid pants we had ever seen.  My mom only allowed him to wear them while working in the garden.  There is a reason they were on the clearance rack at K-mart.

2. The "glory" pants- These were a lovely peach colored pair of polyester pants that were at least two sizes too small, thus my dad joked that when he had his perfect body in heaven or "glory", these were the pants he would be wearing.

3. The year of the squash-My dad decided to plant our near acre garden mainly in one variety of squash.  Imagine if you will one whole side of our two-car garage heaped up with squash for the majority of the late summer.  We still have the lovely sign with "Squash for Sale" stashed in our garage. The demand for squash that year wasn't as high as our production, and most of the squash ended up being donated to a local shelter for the homeless.

4. The year of the dried beans-My dad planted almost the entire garden (again) in several dried bean varieties.  My least favorite were crowder peas and october beans.  Thirty years later, my mom still has 5 gallon buckets of these babies because they "never go bad".

5.  The ubiquitous line of ants leading to my dad's study-My mom was hypoglycemic, and gave up sugar to control this condition.  My dad had a huge sweet tooth.  There was always a line of ants trailing into my dad's study and leading right up to his file cabinet.  He claimed not to know why, but we all knew that he had a secret stash of clearance candy from Halloween, Christmas and Easter all year round.

6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVnEwOocP9A&feature=fvwrel-My dad purchased one of these at a rummage sale, and resold at one of our rummage sales when he realized it didn't work.

My favorite memory of my dad that makes me smile are all the trips that we took to Dairy Queen, just the two of us.  He loved "turtle" blizzards.  He told me never to tell my brother, and I kept my secret very well until today.

What stories make you smile about your dad?

Daddy's Girl

My husband is an amazing father to my children.  Despite the fact that his father hasn’t been involved in his life from the time that he was a young child, he has an uncanny knack for being an amazingly in-tune father.  The kids run into his arms with yells of “Daddy!!” every night, and he always takes time to listen to them.  He makes it a priority to take each of them on dates at least monthly and really get to know their hearts.  I’ve never seen him turn them down when they’ve asked him if they can help him with a project…despite the fact that it takes him much longer with their “help”.  People regularly remark at what a wonderful father he is, especially when they learn about his background.  He’s told me before that he just treats them the way that he would want to be treated if he were a kid.  It’s really worked great!  I really admire him, and he is THE man that we celebrate on Father’s Day.  I’m so grateful that my girls have an awesome dad to be a part of their lives.

Two years ago, I fell into a deep pit of depression because I realized that no one would ever look at me again the way my husband looks at our girls.  I cried out to God telling Him how unfair it was not to have my father anymore, or even to have another man take his place.  To this day, I still don’t understand why he was taken from me when I was only 13.  After I read the book “Captivating” by Staci and John Eldredge, I realized how much God wanted to personally meet the longing of my heart for a father.  When I began looking for the ways he was reaching out to me as a father, I was overwhelmed by His love and extravagance…the parking space close to the store just when I needed it, the compliments from perfect strangers on the day that I felt like the worst mom in the world, and my favorite color of flowers in the landscape as we traveled on mother’s day last month. The day I had the positive pregnancy test, I had to giggle as I heard an automated message reminding me of an appointment for the following day that I had made with my midwife a year ago.  I had no idea that I would be pregnant a year ago, but God did.  I believe the timing was no coincidence. 

It might be the pregnancy, or just the fact that Father’s Day is only a few days away, but I’ve had a hard time not crying when I think about my father over the past couple of days.  He died over 20 years ago, and I still feel a little pain.  The hardest part of it all is how important he is to me and how few of the people around me even know him.   So let me tell you a little about him:     He was a pastor, and he hosted a radio show on our local station for over 10 years called “The Friend in the Night” where he played bluegrass gospel music.    Only a few people know that he actually played at the Grand Ole Opry (where he met Loretta Lynn).  Besides being an amazing musician, he was a fantastic dad.  He always made time to talk to me when I needed to talk, and every night he would interrupt any phone conversation to give me a kiss good night. God has been so good to me that I have no real reason to complain.    Many of my friends have shared stories about how awful their dads were…but I feel blessed to have such sweet memories from my childhood.  Maybe that is why I still have days like today when I miss him so much. 

A New Life

I could talk about our new life that will start in less than six weeks when we move, but I’m not.  This morning as I watched the minus sign slowly turn into a plus sign, I was overwhelmed…with happiness, with surprise, and with the knowledge that this would change everything.  This is not my first baby, and certainly not my first pregnancy, but there is something so special that happens the moment that you realize you are carrying another human being.  I realized that I will again get to feel my baby flutter around, and eventually stretch me to my limits.  Feeling a baby move is my favorite part of pregnancy, and definitely one of my favorite things in the whole world.  We weren’t trying for another baby, but as my husband likes to say, “Everyone is supposed to have a ‘whoops!’”

                This gives us a timeline to work with and shoot for.  Having a child generally makes me long for security even more than normal.  This feels a little like a test.  Is my dad watching from heaven with God and some angels saying, “Watch this! It’s gonna get interesting.”  Is the other side secretly hoping I began to doubt God’s sovereignty, and start freaking out?  I don’t think that it’s any accident that I’m reading in the Old Testament about the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness.   Whining in their case always brought disaster, despite that God always came through for their needs…so I’m not going to whine, but trust that this child will be an amazing blessing.  I wasn’t planned either, and my mom has told me over and over how glad she is that God planned me for her. 

 On January 1st of this year, I read the same passage of scripture twice within a couple minutes of itself—once in a book I was reading and once in a devotional.  I took it as a sign that it was my verse for this year.  It is Isaiah 43: 1b-3b.  It says, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  ² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. ³ For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…”  No matter what comes, I know that He has it all under control.  I can’t wait to hold this next little one in my arms, and tell them how glad I am that God planned this child just for me.

Follow the Leader

I've been following someone for nearly all my life.  First it was my parents, and then willingly I followed whomever I was dating, and eventually, I followed my husband.  Most of this was pretty easy for me.  I like to make people happy.  It didn't really become difficult for me until I became a mother and his choices affected more than just me.  Then I became pretty convinced that there were some things that my husband was wrong on.  I tried to change his mind on many things without much success. Slowly, I became convicted that it wasn't my job to change him or try to lead the family when I thought he was wrong.  However, my resolve usually gets tested whenever I decide that I need to stop doing something.

A few years ago, he purchased a vehicle that I disagreed with.  Every time I looked at, it made me angry.  Every time I sat in it, I fumed over all the bad qualities.  Every time I saw a receipt related to it, I felt justified in my stance.  Finally in tears, I talked to a dear friend (who is wiser and has been married many more years than I) about this.  I asked her if I would ever get over this, or if I'd always feel hurt when I looked at this stupid vehicle.  I was tired of feeling this way.  She calmly explained that I needed to give this to God, and quit praying for God to make my husband see it my way.  She empathized with my pain and told me that she knew how hard it was for me.  She told me to start praying for God to change me into the woman that my husband needed to help him fulfill his calling.  This was my role.  I was to be his indispensable helper that completed him, and encouraged him—to be his cheerleader.   Ultimately, it wasn’t about trusting my husband, but trusting God.   He is the one who leads my husband, and the one who works all things together for my good even when I can’t see what is good about it right away.   (Ephesians 5 is great at laying out both the husband and the wife’s role.)

Guess what?  God answered my prayers.  I now smile when I see that vehicle, and several times it has been very helpful to me.  I can see the good in it, and I’m glad that he bought it.  My husband recently told me that he thought I had changed a lot in the past year (in a good way).  He said that a year ago I might have said that I’d be willing to move anywhere with him, but that I would have been really nervous about it.  Now, he said that I can say it and really mean it.  That is a huge compliment, and it meant a lot to hear him say it because he is a very honest guy. 

For the record, he is an amazing man to follow.  His problem-solving skills are second to none and our children love their shirts that say “My daddy can fix anything” because it is true.  Beyond that, I’ve seen how wonderful our life has been in the past year when I’ve let go, and let him walk in the role he was born to fulfill.

The Adventure Begins

We have sold our house, but we are not sure where we are moving to. 

I could be panicking at this moment, but I’m not.  We are moving in less than seven weeks.  I’m a planner.  When I was in high school, I had my life planned out pretty much until I was 26 years old.  I like structure.  I do not like change.   I like rules because they make me feel safe, but here I am excited, and hopeful in the face of change. Our house has been on the market since December, and we knew where we were moving up until very recently.  We were planning on having our move generously financed by the company my husband is working for.  It was part of his deal from when he was hired, but the position that he had is no longer going to be in existence within a few months.  We had a clear goal, and a clear plan of direction.  That has all changed.

When I was growing up,  I remember a set of books from the library entitled “Choose Your Own Adventure”.  Every few pages you were presented with a choice.  Choice “A” might take you to one page while choice “b” would take you to an entirely different section of the book. After a few choices, it was almost impossible to backtrack if you chose a bad ending.   Some endings were boring, and some were just plain creepy.  Inevitably, I had to reread the books until I had the happy ending.

Right now, our life reminds me of one of those books.  We are a fork in the road with infinite possibilities.  At first, I was a little panicked that we were selling our house without knowing where we were moving to.  Ok, I was more than a little panicked, but after a little Kleenex, a lot of prayer, and looking at all that has happened for good in the last year, I’m convinced that something amazing is about to take place.  In May, we took a trip to Colorado to investigate a possible job out there.  My sweet husband asked me what it would take for me to think that we should move to Colorado.  I told him if 1)something happened to his current job, 2)our house sold (after having no offers in the past 5 months of showing it), and 3)there was still a position available to him in Colorado that I would be game for the move.  Never in a million years did I think that all of that would happen in a week and a half…and yet it has.

So does this mean we are moving to Colorado?  I’m not sure.  There are still opportunities here in Illinois.  I’m not sure what the path is up ahead, but I think it is going to be quite the journey.  Where will our adventure take us next?  Stay tuned, and find out with me.