Evening Expirations

          A good friend of mine took some of our girls over to her house for the evening, and asked what time I wanted them to come home. I said that around 8pm would be good. She made a joking comment about how past 8:30 it is hard to be a good parent...like we expire at that time. I couldn't agree more. I wish I could have a label on me that says," Go to bed by 8:30pm (or your sweet mother will turn into a head-spinning harpy)."
          The last few weeks have felt like a bit of a time warp when I get past seven o'clock. It doesn't seem to matter if I start getting the three youngest ready for bed at 7:30 or 9pm. It has still been almost 10:00pm before I get done and can go to bed. Part of me feels like I'm slowly spinning out of control, but the sensible part of me acknowledges that parenting takes time, that our lives have felt hectic lately, and that getting three little ones to bed and getting them to stay there is something that will get easier over time. I can get so caught up in what I feel I'm failing in that I forget to look at what I am ultimately accomplishing...putting three children to bed and giving a good close to their day, even if a little discipline is included.
           Even if I can't have my expiration clearly labeled, I can help my attitude with another evening expiration.  As a x-ray tech, I am all too familiar with another type of expiration. We have people exhale their air for certain exams like an abdominal x-ray. Performing an abdominal x-ray on expiration allows you to see a lot more in the picture. When I am stressed out, a good expiration can really help me to see the bigger picture too...especially when I am giving me cares over to God. At the end of the day, I used to rehash all the things that I did wrong during the day in my head...trying to think how I could do it differently next time and avoid the problem.  Now when those thoughts come to me, I expire those as  prayers back up to God. At night, I am almost constantly dialoging with God. "I'm tired, God...and they are misbehaving again!" Breathe out. The thought pops into my head, "If they don't stop misbehaving, tell them their cuddle time is over." Breathe in. "I just want my night to be over, God." Breathe out. "Hang in there! Set a timer, so you both know when it's time to leave the room. " Breathe in.
       As I expire my problems to God.  He inspires new solutions to my problems. This last Saturday, we were contacted with a new offer on our house. This offer is not an all-out offer to buy the house right now. It is an offer contigent on their house selling. In fact, they are putting our house on the market in order to buy our house. As we were trying to come to an acceptable agreement,  I felt frustrated. It was the end of the day, when I was tired and ready to be done. I was scrubbing the girl's hair for their bath while talking and texting back and forth to my husband. My hubby made the comment of praying about the issue. Breathe out. I began to ask God if I was being unreasonable about one aspect of the negotiations,  and a new thought flew into my head that I don't think I would've come up with on my own...a very good reason that made our position understandable. Breathe in. When I shot the idea to my hubby,  it made sense to him too. We ran it by the realtor,  and she agreed with it too. Yesterday, we signed a new-contract that we could both agree on. Since it is contingent on them selling their house, we will continue to show ours. If someone else makes a better offer, they have a window of time to come up with that money; or we can sell the house to the new person. Yesterday, as we left the house to show it again before my daughter's birthday party, I realized I felt completely at peace. That is totally a God thing. He is with me every step of my day...just waiting to breathe inspiration into me, when I feel ready to expire.

What do you need to expire?  If you'd like to leave a comment,  I will be happy to pray with you about it.

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

            We have just under a month till our generous package from my hubby's job stops paying for his temporary housing. August 20th is last day of our three month window. It feels like a deadline that is quickly looming. We are trying to find some reasonable options for housing in Kansas, and currently we are looking at homes that are less expensive.  This is where the rubber meets the road.
             I looked up what this phrase meant, and all I could find was general definitions about going into action. That does describe where we are; but when I would hear my parents use this phrase, there was always a sense of discomfort with that action...like they were taking into account the friction that went with that wheel making some movement. That is an even better description of where we are.  This past week has been a challenge to my faith.
              Our first week with our house on the market was disappointing.  We had zero showings, so my hubby and I began the search for different homes in a new price range. This past Sunday, however,  we had an open house with fourteen groups of people showing up. We've had two showings since then, so all hope is not lost. The sermon on Sunday was all about God being near, and it hit home to me in many ways. He spoke on Psalm 23 and his own personal valley he was currently walking through. The pastor asked if we have ever felt like God is distant. My answer would be, "Yes!" I am at a loss right now to understand exactly what God is doing. I feel like we are poised at a start line with our engine revving,  just waiting for the flag to drop,  waiting for our rubber to meet the road. There is no flag in site though. Every home option we look at is another challenge in patience. Half the houses we found last week are no longer on the market.  My hubby did look at a home on Monday, but there is paperwork concerning easements that we are waiting on now before we will make an offer.
          I know timing is everything, and there is a reason for all this taking the time that it is. I long for clarity on what we are supposed to do though. This morning in "Jesus Calling" it talked about thankfulness. It said, " When thankfulness flows freely from your heart and lips, let your gratitude draw you closer to Me. I want you to learn the art of giving thanks in all circumstances. See how many times you can thank me daily; this will awaken your awareness to a multitude of blessings.  It will also cushion the impacts of trials when they come at you."
         So here is list of some of the things that I'm thankful about right now. Our chickens have begun laying eggs, and the girls have eagerly gone out multiple times a day to search for their treasure. Yesterday,  we watched as Caramel laid an egg in the box my hubby had put together as a shelter for the cats in the winter. It was pretty amazing to see the intent look on her face and the ruffle of her feathers...and then to see her completely distracted by the ear of corn in front of her two seconds later, while we snuck her treasure out from underneath her.
       Also, because we haven't moved yet, we are able to travel only a little over an hour to spend time with my hubby's family from all over the country this weekend.  Had we moved to Kansas, we'd have had a seven hour drive plus the challenge of finding someone to watch our animals. My second eldest also has the chance to celebrate one more birthday here. Our current neighbor is letting us use his pool for the celebration this coming Monday too.
            This Friday marks the sixteen year anniversary of the day my hubby and I said I do. I'm even more aware of all the things he adds to our relationship because we can't spend as much time together right now. When he is home, it's more fun to let my plans fly out the window (like this past Friday when we took a impromptu trip to a livestock auction as a family). I'm thankful to him for bringing color and adventure to my life. Without him, my life would be terribly boring. He is way more fun than anyone else I know.
             Just stopping to pause and think about the good things I'm grateful for has calmed my revving engine and made me smile. You can be sure that I will let you know the moment that flag drops and it's time to burn rubber. Till then, I'll be counting my blessings.

What about you? What are you grateful for?
            

The Gray Area

         Life is full of black and white; but between the black and white, there is the gray area...that's the tricky part, the part I find the most frustrating and confusing. It's the area that's open to personal opinion and interpretation. Friday night I spent several hours in the local ER with my five year old due to the gray area. She tested positive for strep on her throat on Thursday. When she'd been on antibiotics for more than 24 hours and her fever had jumped from 102.3 to 104.8 (without the ibuprofen) in the same 24 hour period, I began to feel that the antibiotics might not be helping. When I looked at her tonsils, I saw that her tonsils had gone beyond just having pus on them to having great big red streaks as well. I called the after hours hotline in hopes of either being told to sit tight for another 12 hours and watch what happens or to have a different antibiotic prescribed. Instead,  I was told that I had to take her to the ER. I tried to reason with the nurse that I knew the fever was responding to the ibuprofen,  and I could take another temp immediately if that was her concern...but she had consulted another nurse and was concerned that something more was involved due to the high temp. Here was the gray area. I didn't believe anything would come of our visit to the ER. Indeed three hours later when we were seen, she was fever and pain free. However,  there was this nagging thought of "what if". What if there was a bigger problem with her, and my stubborness got in the way of her well-being. It was worth it to me to lose the time, just to be safe.
            Selling a home has turned out to have huge gray areas. There is a fine line between what is legal and what is morally right. We found a legal proposal to fixing our existing septic system, but after third and fourth opinions,  we have chosen to replace it completely...so it is in no way a detractor from someone wanting to buy it. Another gray area we have dealt with recently is whether or not we could keep the earnest money from our buyer that backed out. After looking into it for a day, we were told we had no right to it.
            Our next step is a huge gray area too...not just what to do from a monetary standpoint,  but also from a psychological standpoint. Part of me wants to just leave now and start our new life in Kansas...the other part of me is dealing with closure from all the ties and relationships we have built here for the past twelve years. Today when my eldest daughter said goodbye to her best friend who'd be gone for the next four weeks, I wanted to cry. I doubt we will still be here in four weeks. This could be the last time in a long time for them to see each other. I did cry a little later, but I chose to be grateful that my daughter had another chance to hang out with her bestie. One of our daughters is coping with our move by spending more time alone. She is a natural extrovert, so it's strange seeing her so reclusive.   I talked to her a couple of weeks ago about this, and it was a relief to hear her finally share how she was feeling through all this. We both agreed that the hardest part of this is not knowing what the future holds. Will our next house be as wonderful? Will we find friends quickly? Will we settle for another twelve years? We don't know these answers, but I encouraged her that when these thoughts raced to her mind to think about how God knows all about our future...He has promised plans to prosper us, not to harm us (Jer. 29:11). Our future may be shrouded in gray mystery, but my calling as wife to love, honor, and obey my hubby in both the good times and the bad is not. I made a promise, a vow in front of God and my family. God knew what those words would cost me, and He also knew all the good things that I would be blessed with as a result. I know our future together will hold challenges,  but ultimately good things as well.
        My five year old has been obsessed with drawing me pictures almost daily of rainbows. Below is my favorite that I named "Bridge Over Troubled Water With a Rainbow" (my daughter was willing to sell it for two cents). The rainbow reminds me of God fulfilling His promises.  I need that reminder a lot lately. The bridge reminds me of His help through the rough spots. Life is not just full of black and whites and gray areas. If you look hard enough through the sunlight and your tears, you will see the beautiful rainbow of His promises.

Playing With Fire

          This past 4th of July our girls enjoyed sparklers.Our three year old had never seen anything like it before. As we began to explain to her how to hold them at the end of the stick while keeping them away from anyone, her eyes grew bigger and bigger. She was both excited by them and a little afraid. Our other girls immediately asked to take turns burning their own, but our youngest one waffled back and forth. I volunteered to hold one; and about half-way through mine, the youngest grabbed on with me. She was giddy with delight when she was finished. Fire is beautiful, but if it feels out of control, it'll turn scary really quickly.
           The Holy Spirit is often pictured as fire. In the early church when the Holy Spirit came upon believers on the day of Pentecost, "Then, what looked like flames or tongues of fire appeared and settled on each of them." (Acts 2:3-NLT) Different denominations will contend different things about what being "filled with the Holy Spirit" means, but most that I've encountered, acknowlege how important His role is in the life of a believer.
          Two weeks ago, our sermon was about life being too short to play it safe. As a mom, safety is a top priority. When I think about "if you play with fire", I always finish it with "you're bound to get burned" not "you will be so energized". This sermon really made me think about my life, and it featured a a small clip about one woman who made a huge difference in Hong Kong. The pastor said that you could read more about her life in a book called <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B009GKAH94/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1373254448&sr=8-2&pi=SL75">"Chasing the Dragon"</a>. That night I felt antsy, jittery, and desperate. I was right in the middle of making septic decisions, and I was feeling a bit put off by how long our inspector was taking for the inspection and his lack of communication. I decided to buy the book as a e-book for my Kindle App on my phone, and I'm really glad I did. Jackie Pullinger's story is amazing and inspiring, not because she came accross as some sort of super human. She shared all of her failures as well as her successes. It was clear that God was able to use her because of her willingness to listen. Her story has especially challenged me to reevaluate my prayer life, and make some changes.  She contended that the power of  the Holy Spirit to interpret and pray for you made all the difference in the world in the success of her ministry, so I have begun asking Him to daily interceed for me. (Romans 8:26) This last week felt disastrously tough; but when my daughter was asked to say one thing she was proud of me for, she said she was proud of me for not yelling nearly as much. That made me  pause and think. If I yelled less in a crazy week full of stress, maybe the Holy Spirit really is making a difference...even in my personality.
           The road ahead is uncertain.  The lyrics from a Britt Nicole song really spoke to me a couple nights ago:

You look around. 
It's staring back at you... 
Another wave of doubt. 
Will it pull you under,
You wonder?
What if I'm overtaken? 
What if I never make it? 
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer? 
When you take that first step 
Into the unknown, 
You know that
He won't let you go.
So what are you waiting for? 
What do you have to lose? 
Your insecurities try to alter you. 
You know you're made for more, 
So don't be afraid to move. 
Your faith is all 
It takes and 
You can walk on the water too.

         If the Holy Spirit is fire, then let my soul explode.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Backwards

           This morning I became reflective after I was doused in a good amount of baby vomit (mostly just milk with a small amount of sticky acetaminophen). Our poor little man is running a low grade temp because of getting a couple of vaccinations yesterday. In an effort to make him more comfortable,  I gave him some Little Noses dye-free grape medication. He grimaced and made horrible faces. I thought he disliked it, but I didn't expect him to then empty the contents of his stomach all over himself,  myself, and the floor. Some things are just hard to swallow.
               That's what this last week has felt like for me. We had our home inspection in Kansas (which produced one major fixable issue), we lost half of our chickens; and biggest of all, the buyer for our home walked away in the middle of negotiations. I know that God promises all things work together for good for those who love Him, but this was not an easy week. Romans 5:3-5 is one of those disturbing verses that makes you say "Really?" However,  today it seems fitting to my situation. It says, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." I feel like I'm definitely developing some endurance after this week.
                 This week means fewer eggs, more showings, and more potential house hunting.  We know a good deal more about our home than we did a month ago, so we can address issues that were a problem this round. God has the right buyer for our house out there. This apparently wasn't the one. It feels like we took two steps forward, but one step backwards.  As long as we keep walking though, we will eventually move forward. If we chose to dance this path instead of walking, we might even enjoy this adventure. It's time to break out the boots.

The Duke

          Yesterday my five year old lost her very first pet, Duke, our lone Rhode Island Red rooster. He was beautiful and was almost fully grown. His tail feathers has just begun to grow longer with a lovely dark green to them. He had also begun to crow his trademark "cock-a-doodle-doo" first thing in the morning.
              Our next door neighbor called to apologize and tell us that their German Shepherd had seen our chickens out in the tall grass next to the road. Much to their chagrin, she began chasing and killing them. They tried calling her off,  but she had already killed several. We were saddened to find three hens and one beautiful rooster dead.  Five of our ten chickens survived and one remains MIA. My five year old hoped out-loud that her strong and fast rooster hadn't been killed, but I told her that if his hens had been threatened,  I was positive he would have charged out to fight and defend them. We found our rooster farthest from the barn as he flew into the dog and lost his life.
              Some of you may be wondering how much a little girl could love a cocky rooster...she loved him a whole lot. She picked him up and carried him around like a cherised cat. He happily laid on her chest. She spent hours picking worms and berries for him. He was the first living thing she was in charge of. 
            I've watched the two older grieve the loss of their first pets, and it always breaks my heart. I know that this is a part of life that just plain stinks, and this isn't the last time they will know loss from death. I'm glad that at the very least we can go through this together.
             My mom helps adults process their loss after losing family members,  so she has given lots of tips over the years that have really helped me with guiding our girls through this (plus I had a lot of experience as a little girl with losing pets and people). Yesterday when I gathered the chickens up, I said goodbye to them out loud. I stroked their feathers and told them my feelings that "I was sorry they died". I watched as my five and three year old did the same. When my dad died, I was afraid to touch him and that haunted me for along time afterwards. Now, it is one of the first things I do to say goodbye.  At first, my older ones said that the rooster was hurt too badly for me to pick him up, but I think it's important for our little girl that he was not left out in the open...that we "cared" for him one last time. I don't want her thinking that we deserted him for other animals to eat him, even if chickens are food. He was special to her.
           I think it's also a great idea to hold a small service for a pet. This is not our first one, so the older girls did some things that were meaningful to them like putting flowers in with their chickens. My second oldest even had all the living chickens peck the flowers as a way for the living to say goodbye to the deceased. I like to say a prayer to thank God for their part in our lives, but also to share how much we hurt and will miss them. I ask God to heal that hurt that I am feeling. I tell Him that I don't understand why, but that I trust Him. We usually sing a favorite song and say a couple scriptures. One of my favorites is the scripture that says how Job responded to loss: "the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)  We laid the hens into the hole first, so that even in death Duke could  "shield" them. Our five year old quickly pointed this out. The girls laid their flowers into the hole with them and we cried over them while sharing our favorite stories about them.
            My oldest offered to bake cupcakes to eat after the service, which models what many people do after traditional funeral services. We've had food after other animal services before. It's a comforting thing to eat something and share funny stories.
           My five year old stood with tears streaming down her face at our funeral. She was not alone. I cried right along with her and told her it'd be normal to feel sad when we saw our chickens missing from the survivors. Two of my hens were killed as well. We all gave her hugs as she sobbed about how she would miss her rooster. We know that we will have more chickens, but that there will never be another Duke. We talked about him at bedtime,  and spoke about how brave he was...how he had laid down his life for his hens...including my favorite, Charlotte.
           Hopefully, long from now, when she says goodbye to a person not only will the process feel familiar,  but she will also remember that her heart did heal after the loss of her pet. At least, we could walk this road together for her first time. I know this is just the beginning of her healing process, but I intend to be there with her along the way. Duke not only served as a great first pet, but also as a integral part in my little girl growing up and learning about a hard part of life. For that I will be forever grateful.
          What have you found to be a meaningful way to say goodbye? How have you helped or been helped to deal with loss?