Laying Down The Law

             I think I would've made a better Pharisee than a disciple.  I love rules and the boundaries they bring because of their predictability. It's also easier to measure my worth based on my adherence to the rules. I've always been guilty of pride or shame because of "the rules" (depending on where I fall for the moment). I can just imagine being outraged at all the "rule-breaking" that Jesus and his followers engaged in. I was always a rule keeper as a child. Love was really the only thing that ever made me choose to supersede those boundaries. As a teenager, it caused me to neglect schoolwork and get my only "B" in one high school course. As an adult, it's caused me to stay up countless hours with my kids at night and put my daily routine on hold while teaching them. Rules bring safety, but for me they also bring so much guilt because I can never meet up to anyone's expectations,  let alone mine.
            Having five children has pretty much broken my idea of being in constant control and strict rule keeping. It's exhausting trying to always being in charge....maybe that's why I really enjoyed being in our local theatre. I was in my first play this summer along with Mary and Carrie, which was so much fun! I got to take direction and not organize things. I loved the change of pace it brought. My experience with theatre this summer also brought me face to face with one of the stupidest things I've ever done. On our way to a rehearsal,  I choose to attempt driving through water that was way to deep (it was flash flooding in our area)...causing our van to get stuck, and water to flood it, pretty much ruining it. It's bad when you make a bad judgement for yourself,  but it's even worse when you have little ones with you. Mary and Grace were both with me. I will never forget the panic in poor Grace's voice as she watched the water raise in the van and said, "We're going to drown; we're going to drown! I've even dreamt this has happened!!" Thankfully,  a nearby farmer helped us to all escape safely (and even towed our car out), but it could've turned out much worse had the guide posts along the road not kept the van from getting caught and rolling over. It makes me ill just to think about it. It filled me with shame and regret for the days following it. It's hard even now writing about it. A little patience (yup, that's my word for this year) and common sense would've prevented all of this.
           It's not my only failure since I've last posted. There's also the three cavities that our two year old had to have filled. At his age, I feel like a lot of the blame for that falls on me. I know the dentist assured me that he chipped away the hard enamel of his upper teeth by his habit of grinding his bottom teeth against his top teeth, but how could they be that soft to even do that? Is it because he has too many sweets? Is it because I neglected to brush them enough to keep them clean? This feels like just another failure of mine.
              That is the problem with measuring myself by rules and my inadequacies. It points it's ugly finger at me and calls me worthless and stupid.  I share these things because maybe you've done something stupid (but hopefully not this stupid...), and you feel alone. You're not. Grace is what makes all the difference. Grace is simply getting something that you don't deserve.  Because of God's grace, I don't have to wear all this shame. He tells me that it's all right...that He will bring good from this.  He will heal this traumatic experience for our family. He will give wisdom and comfort to me as we process this. This was all brought to life in a tangible way, while studying"Grace-Based Parenting" again this summer with some friends of mine. The week that we were practicing instilling a "Secure Love" in our kids was the week of the van mishap. That was the week my hubby exemplified his unfailing love for me, by not only cleaning up and fixing the van (and handling the kids every night as well since that was show week)...but also by turning over the keys to his fully functioning vehicle for me to drive. I wish I never would've been so stupid, but the love he demonstrated is something I will always cherish. I hate that Mr. Blue Eyes had cavities,  but I'm so grateful for a skilled pediatric dentist to handle it skillfully.  I'm very grateful for the friend who offered to watch my other kids while we went. God knows just who to demonstrate His grace through.
           Interestingly enough, love is extolled in the Bible as being what followers of Christ should be known by...not by perfection or wisdom. Love is what caused God to form a plan for us and it continues to motivate His grace towards us. Love trumps the law. It trumps rule-keeping.
              The only momentary success I have enjoyed this spring was the stellar accomplishments of Mary and Half-pint in their testing (we did Iowa Basic Skills Testing in May). They both tested compositly far above their current grade level and into the 90th percentile nationally, which gave me warm fuzzies. They have continued to learn from me and from their own quest for knowledge.  That is about to change in some ways for Mary, as she has chosen to go back into our local school system (and we wholeheartedly support this). I'm glad to have done my part in her education (and continue on with this in a supportive role).
            This spring, I had one of my best inspirational homeschooling moments when the children represented the three branches of government. We had new "house rules" for the day. Half-pint adamantly declared she wanted to make the rules, so she represented Congress. Gracie helped her as a Representative to create the rules as the legislative branch. Mary choose to be President to represent the executive Branch. She had the right to veto the rules if needed (and she exercised this right). Carrie represented the judiciary Branch and interpreted the rules for us. It only took about an hour for me to break a rule about no yelling with a timeout being the punishment.  We typically do one minute for each year of age. I chuckled when I went to the bench in our timeout area for 38 minutes.  Half-pint was beyond aggravated when Carrie ruled that I could complete the remainder of my timeout in the shower since everyone kept coming up to talk to me during my "reflective" time. Half-pint felt that it was rewarding my failure to follow the rule. She experienced firsthand the difficulty of laws being carried out the way they are intended. She insisted on being the judiciary branch the following day.
           I'm glad that God gets to be the whole deal.  I'm thankful that, despite my failures, God has ruled on the side of grace; my hubby has ruled on the side of love; and family still accepts me despite my shortcomings.  It's been a season of laying down the law in favor of love and grace, and it couldn't have come at a better time.