The Gingerbread House Flop

             It’s hard for me to watch my kids struggle.  It’s hard not to just step in, but they really don’t learn anything that way.  The weekend before Christmas, I was planning on letting the girls make their annual gingerbread houses.  The oldest two make their own, and my youngest two share one (both get two walls to decorate).  Unfortunately, germs invaded our house right before Christmas and put my youngest two out of commission; so gingerbread house making was postponed to this week.  One afternoon, we made dough, chilled it, and rolled it out to their specifications.   The following day we decorated, and raised the walls. It took all day!  I’m excited to announce that this year instead of going out and purchasing gobs of candy to decorate the houses with (and having lots left over to, ahem, “dispose” of), we actually used their leftover Halloween candy to decorate.  I noticed that my older girls were much more thoughtful about their choices and more creative in decorating than any of the other years past.  (Last year one of them literally dumped candy inside the house into the cement icing to “hold up the walls.”)  I put the little ones’ house together, but just helped the older two as they requested it.  My oldest decided to make an enormous one with a back wall off in order to make it look like a doll house.  She wanted her gingerbread people to play inside.  My next oldest one decided to just leave the roof off, so that her people could play inside as well.  One succeeded and one failed…any guesses as to who did which?  It was the doll house that began to crash continually as the graham crackers were added to form the boundary between the second and first floor.  I watched as my daughter re-cemented the walls in place a couple of times, and even tried toothpicks to fortify the walls.  It was hard to watch her struggle, and at first I tried to give her little pieces of advice.  Clearly, she wanted to do it on her own because she ignored me; so I just ended up being quiet.  Finally, the walls began breaking into pieces from all the falls.  She announced that she was done, and I could see her eyes looking very watery at that moment.  I went over and gave her a big hug, and told her I was proud of her for coming up with an original idea.  I told her that she really did a fantastic job decorating the walls, and it was ok that her idea didn’t work this time. 

                Usually, I would’ve had to step in to help my daughter. A little over a week ago, I was notified that I get to be apart of the launch team for Jill Savage's newest book which means I had the benefit of reading through “No More Perfect Moms” last week…a big part of the book deals with our expectations about our children.   It talks a lot about letting them fail, and about not trying to change them.   The book basically lays out the people we deal with as women, the problems that we face, and the antidote for each of them. (If you're interested in the book, make sure you wait to order it until the week of Feb. 4-9 because Moody publishers will be offering more than $100 worth of bonuses like e-books, audio workshops and more.) The chapter on kids talked about how imperfect they naturally are (just like us) and that our tendency is to want to change them.  I was extremely convicted by the line “However, if we work to change another person, it is likely that we love ourselves more than we love that other person.”  She goes on to talk about how love is what is really called for when we are dealing with our kids, and gives practical ways of implementing that.  I realized that by letting my daughter fail; I was loving her just the way she was and not trying to “fix” her.

                All day long as the girls had finished their houses, I had uploaded pictures with their finished masterpieces to Facebook.  The gingerbread flop was the last one to be finished, and I was tempted not to put it on my page.  I don’t want anyone to look at any of my children as failures.  I want them to always feel the success of life.  However, this really only demonstrated a great idea that hadn’t worked this time not that my daughter is a failure. I simply asked if my daughter minded me putting it up there, and she said that she didn’t.   Mind you, she didn’t get as many likes as the other houses, but no one said anything negative either.

                I’m not a perfect mom, and my girls aren’t perfect either…and I’m ok with that.

It's Been a Month!

     Merry Christmas! It's been a whole month of focusing on my biggest pet peeve...my yelling. I've learned a lot and I'm going to continue to study, forgive, surrender and pray concerning my yelling, but I'm really encouraged at the progress. I hope that you feel like you've made progress in the area you've been focusing on.
     I feel like I've had many chances to practice surrendering control over to God in the past few days...almost like a final exam at the end of a course. My two youngest got sick with a viral infection this past Thursday that has left them whiny, achy, and very needy. My poor hubby has also been sick for more than two days. My second eldest started showing symptoms last night of coming down with the same infection...which leaves just two of us healthy for the holidays. I'm so grateful not to be sick; however, it was disappointing not to go as a family to the church musical or go to the family Christmas Eve gathering. Fortunately,  I haven't blown up with my family (last night, I was even complimented on my attitude). A few times I have gotten irritated though. My mom is staying with us over the holidays...and we have had some friendly debates over how to bake her famous bread recipe (that she's been making for the past 30 years, and I've been making for the past 3 weeks--clearly she has a tad more experience). We quibble in the kitchen over little things, but usually end up laughing...like when she admitted that she measured "Amish" cups (or as most would say a "generous" cup) of milk for my yogurt instead of the standard. I questioned her about this when my usual container nearly overflowed with the yogurt mixture. She giggled when I asked her if she'd measured exactly 5 cups and said she'd wondered if I'd notice that she hadn't. I did.
     Sometimes it's hard to slow down and give up my plans when my family is sick...the last time I went through this was a month ago at Thanksgiving.  It went much better this time, and I think that all the prayer and blogging about this area has helped.
     I've had the wonderful privilege of reading a great new book by Jill Savage (coming February 4, 2013) called "No More Perfect Moms".  I definitely qualify as an imperfect mom...I didn't even get out Christmas cards this year. You will be hearing lots more about it in the next few months as it really ties in nicely with many of the struggles I've been going through. If you are curious about the book, here is the website that has more info on it, including a sign-up for a challenge beginning Jan.1st:

http://www.hearts-at-home.org/index.php/nmpm-home

Thanks for hanging out with me and joining me on my own adventure!

Day 27: Kitty breaks

     One of my favorite things about homeschooling is that when the girls go on "recess", I oftentimes find them sitting on the bench outside our back door holding a sleeping, purring cat. They could literally sit for an hour or more just holding their sleeping cat.  As a result of all the time they spend doting on their cats, we have two very, very friendly cats.  They come running when they hear the door open.
     One key thing for me that helps keep my emotions in check is having some down time. I really could work non-stop, but all work and no play makes for a very grumpy mommy and wife. When I am not working, I hear a lot of critical voices in my head telling me that I'm slacking and my family will suffer. This fall it was even a struggle for me to reason that it was ok to take a half hour to blog even though it really makes me happy to write down my thoughts. However, I've found that milk needs to be closely tended when making hot cocoa or making yogurt...so I pull up a stool and blog (while stirring every few seconds). Yes, we have hot cocoa/make yogurt that often.
     Everyday I take time to read my lesson if I'm involved in a Bible study; or if I'm in between lessons or sessions, I read a chapter or two in the Bible (I'm in Job right now). This is essential down-time for me and essential to my mental health. Before I developed a real relationship with Christ, I had no desire to read the Bible...it would have been one more thing to check off my list of good things to do, but the Bible has come to life for me as my love has grown. I used to look at God as a stern professor angry when I was "late" or absent for my Bible reading, but now I look at him as my best friend waiting for me with a cup of coffee in His hand hoping to share just the right words with me while I read the Bible. He's not angry if I miss our date...just disappointed. There is only love not condemnation.
     I really look forward to having a little one because it is one of God's greatest ways to tell me to slow down and enjoy the moment. I just can't do everything. A baby needs to be held and cuddled. They thrive on attention and kisses. It is an easy excuse to sit down, smell their sweet heads, and remember that God feels the same way about us. He holds us in His arms with the same love and patience.
     A couple of days ago while emptying the vacuum dirt into the trash, I noticed one of the girl's cats waiting on the bench for someone to cuddle with.  I sat down and took a kitty break. It was fun to watch the cat try to find a spot on my diminishing lap to lay down...she finally settled on top of my baby bump. It was fun to feel the baby respond to the warmth and purring mound of fur on top of him. There was no kicking...Harley (the dog) has gotten kicked a time or two when he rests his head on my tummy while I read to the girls...just gentle adjustments and movements. I couldn't help but smile and feel recharged. I think God was smiling too...maybe this is part of why He made cats...for little breaks on the bench. When I heard my two year old screaming in the house, I knew it was time to go back in. It was easier to go in with gentleness and patience on my mind after my break. It wasn't hard to control my volume in my words.
      What kind of breaks do you like taking? What makes you smile?

Day 25: Reducing the Christmas Madness

     Today is the blog hop sponsored by Hearts at Home. The topic is what Christmas traditions we do, and how to get your kids to think about giving vs. just getting.
     It was five years ago that we began giving just three presents at Christmas...one toy, one practical gift (like clothes or books), and one activity for the family.  We had gotten tired of watching our house fill up with toys to the point that there was clutter everywhere.  The girl seemed to be overwhelmed by all of the toys too. It didn't feel like they even had enough time to enjoy all of it. We had to regularly donate toys just to make room for the next crop of toys around the corner. It also was stressful for me as a mom to go out and purchase the perfect gifts and try to spend evenly on everyone.
     We talked about it as a family, and the first year we hid all the presents except for one which had a short poem with a clue for the next present. Just having three Christmas presents around the tree seemed a little strange, but the girls enjoyed hunting for presents so much that the tradition stuck...with one exception. There is just one present under the tree with a clue for the next child's gift. Everyone has their turn, and moment of glory...which makes it easier to see their faces and savor the moment as a parent. It also stretches out the gift-giving fun for a good hour. Doing it on a budget makes it all the more interesting because of the creativity required. When they asked for a more expensive toy, they received a puzzle to do as a family activity or we went through a local Christmas light display that costs $5 on the weekdays, but everyone loves. One year they received $3 placemats for their practical present.
     Each child is in charge of filling a shoe box for a child their age through the "Operation Christmas Child" project which is both fun, and "our present to Jesus". We ask them to get things they would like as an effort to get them to be generous and not just self-centered. They also give away part of their allowance to wherever they choose, and they sometimes use it for the shoe boxes or the bell ringers.
     Last year while anticipating a move, we asked our families to do activities with us instead of exchanging gifts.  We went bowling with my hubby's family and it was lots of fun. The year before we watched a new movie, played a new game (Twister) and splurged on special snacks that we wouldn't have otherwise purchased to eat during our movie.
     What are you favorite family traditions? Please feel free to share in the comments below.

Day 24: Death to Synapses

      It's easy for me to feel overwhelmed. It's easy for me to get angry about the things I can't control. It doesn't help my situation though. The most recent chapter that I read in "The Me I Want to Be" talks about the feelings your thoughts can produce.
     Early this morning when my youngest woke me up to announce that she'd overflowed her diaper, I could've been annoyed to have to get up to change her clothes and bed sheets...or I could've focused on the fact that this is the first time she's gotten me up at night for almost a week. I had a choice of which thought to dwell on. When I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath because my reflux kicked in around 2 am (and my supper was trying to find it's way into my mouth), I could've felt upset that my body is not my own and that this little baby doesn't give my stomach enough room to digest my food properly...or I could've been happy that I haven't been sick at all this pregnancy (not even with morning sickness). When I was attempting to run this morning and had to stop because with every bounce I could feel my dear little one's feet trying to stretch my ribs to a new level of discomfort,  I could be discouraged that I couldn't run as long as I had planned or be encouraged that I'm still running/walking at 32 weeks of pregnancy.
     I have to run to those positive thoughts, or my whole day stinks. The dark thoughts try to suck every ounce of hope from me. Honestly, some days I lose the battle. I am constantly bombarded with a black hole of negative thoughts.  My favorite thought from this chapter I'm reading says that our brain even as adults are changeable (known as neuroplasticity). "Which synapses remain and which ones wither away depends on your mental habits. Those that carry no traffic go out of business like bus routes with no customers." When you dwell on the positive your mind is physically changing your brain.
     I could choose to look at the times I've failed in my challenge of not yelling this month or think about all the times I've heard the girls tell me how nice I am in the past month. It has seriously been a record number of times that they've said that. I know which synapse I'd like to die...how about you?

Day 20: Fitting Words

     It's all over the news, facebook, and most definitely our minds. The shooting in Connecticut is a huge tragedy. We see the innocence of all those lives taken, and it stirs us up. I've rarely seen anything quite as popular to post about on Facebook especially among my friends. People are praying for the families, and I can't think of anything more fitting to do in a time like this. I know from personal experience that prayer can lift your spirits like nothing else. It stirs my own heart to hug my girls a little tighter and express my gratitude to God for having them safe in my arms. It spurs me on even more to watch my words and make sure they are kind and at an appropriate volume. What if it is last words they ever hear? It also motivates me to speak more kindly to others I'm in contact with even if it is the cashier at the store. There is very little I can do for all those families in Connecticut affected by the shooting other than pray, but there are hurting people all around me that may need a kind word or even a smile. I can surely start with my own family.
     A friend of mine had this written on her chalkboard for her year of homeschooling: "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." (Proverbs 25:11)  Last week when I was freaking out about homeschooling, my hubby complimented me on what a good job I was doing. I hadn't even shared with him that I had looked at standards that day and was overwhelmed. It melted my heart that he complimented me on that day of all days when my insecurity was fresh in my mind...definitely an apple of gold.
     Over the past few months, I have come to cherish all my sisters and mothers in Christ that have lifted me up in prayer. I'm forever indebted to a God that answers  prayer and to those who care enough to "cover me in prayers"...like an invisible blanket of protection.
     I've seem the light of delight in my own girl's eyes when I pay them a compliment ...and the lights go out when I rebuke them too harshly. This coming week I want to be intentional about keeping the light burning in their eyes. I want the positive comments to far outweigh the negative. One of my favorite family traditions is our nightly recount of our high and low points for the day. I get a glimpse at what was really important in their lives, and I can see some of their strengths and weaknesses. Sundays we do a different thing instead of highs and lows. We brag on each other each take turns sharing what we are most proud of each family member for in the past week. I love hearing what my girls are proud of me for, and I love trying to bring up something original about them.

What ways do you speak fitting words to others? I'd love to have some new ideas to try this week.

Day 18: When Pushing Doesn't Work

      Yesterday was a rough day. I could feel my anger swelling up within me multiple times in the afternoon (kinda like heartburn climbing my esophagus everytime I forget and bend over right after I've eaten).
     I had interrupted our normal Wednesday homeschool routine by attending a brunch that I was supposed to meet a couple of friends at. I was disappointed to find out that they were unable to attend, but overjoyed when I met up with two other friends that I hadn't anticipated seeing. I also ended up winning a prize. This should've made my day awesome, right? Wrong. I felt overwhelmed by the list of schoolwork I had on our schedule...all to be accomplished in less time than usually allotted. The harder I pushed the girls the more they goofed off, giggling hysterically while playing war with their feet. They were supposed to be writing a summary on "Robin Hood"! I got through the day without yelling,  but there was a lot of teeth grinding, and peace was one emotion I did not feel.
      I banned lists for myself in late 2007 because they weren't really helpful. They dominated me instead of reminding me, and I always felt like a failure because I never made it to the end of mine. Now that I'm responsible for educating my girls the list has reemerged in the form of their daily planner. I have to remind myself that the list is there to give direction and purpose to our day, not to bring guilt.
      This morning I realized it was the five year anniversary of when a dear friend of mine lost her husband to cancer.  I couldn't resist taking her over some food and chatting with her for a while. However this meant interrupting our usual schedule again. Relationships should always trump work, but it's hard for me to maintain perspective. The anniversary would be over tomorrow, but "doubles plus ones" facts would still be there. I didn't want a repeat of yesterday, so I decided to focus on the fact that we could always catch up on Friday or even Saturday if needed. I stopped pushing and even laughed a couple of times. I tried to enjoy the day and forget about my preconceived notions of what I should accomplish and in what time frame.  John Ortberg describes this as "trying softer". He observed that in yoga they never tell you to try harder to make a pose, but to allow your muscles to relax into it. You have to surrender your body to gravity. In the same way, he says "As a general rule, the harder you work to control things, the more you lose control." This is definitely true for me in the area of my temper. He goes on to say, "Trying softer means focusing more on God's goodness than our effort...It means less self-congratulation when I do well and less self-flagellation when I fall down. It means asking God for help."
     Today, I didn't feel the same anger indigestion that I had yesterday because I let go. We got almost everything done (except for reading some of Les Miserables-which we can do tomorrow). When tears came from the assignments, I slowed down, reassured the girls and took the time to address the issues that I usually rush through.
     The next time you are tempted to push your way through something, consider "trying softer" instead.

Day 16: Night and Day

     I love the way newborns smell...especially their sweet breath. I love the way they curl up in your arms. I love listening to them laugh in their sleep long before they can laugh out-loud when they are awake. I love the innocent way their eyes cross when they try to focus on you, making me break out in hysterical laughter. One of the things that I enjoy the least about newborns is the sleep deprivation. First, they have to figure out the whole day vs. night cycle. Then, there is the fact that they need to eat more frequently than I want to wake up. If you add to that all the leaky diapers and germs they have to fight off, you really have little hope of a full night's rest for what feels like ages. As they age you have new challenges to keep them awake like ear infections and teething or even night terrors. Part of my anger has cycled around the amount of sleep I have. I do best on a full 8 hours of sleep. In most stages of the past decade, I've had to make do with less...sometimes significantly less. It wasn't until I had my third child that I gave up the notion of getting enough rest. I accepted the fact that in this stage of life it just wasn't feasible to count the hours of sleep I got, and somehow expect to get my "perfect" amount. I do have to admit that my fuse is much shorter when I've had a couple of rough nights. I've learned the benefit of 20 minute naps/rest periods and meditating during the day for just as long (usually on something I read during my devotional time). This pregnancy I've also learned how much regular exercise (i.e. running) helps me feel less tired and fatigued.
     I'm looking forward to our newest edition, but not the tired haze that I will walk around in, especially during the first year. I have a friend, Libby, who does this amazing caberet all about the joys and trials of motherhood called  "I'm Her Boobie: The Realities of New Motherhood Revealed in Song". I didn't know her very well when I saw her perform this the first time (and honestly I hate the word "boob", so I even debated going...turns out that it's from a line in the song "Honey Bun"). I absolutely adored the show! I laughed a lot, and I cried too. There was so much that I could identify with in it...I loved my friend even more when she honestly shared her failings and specifically those regarding her temper (and a few creative solutions). Since then, I've seen her perform it two more times (most recently as a fund-raiser for my MOPS group); and it has been just as wonderful.  It ranks right up there with my other favorite musicals: "The Sound of Music" and "My Fair Lady". I love to hear it over and over again because it validates that I'm not alone in my struggles as a mom (and besides that she's just really talented and funny--period).
     Last week I was talking to a mom who is in that seriously sleep deprived stage. It brought back all the memories from my experiences. Motherhood is challenging because your job never really ends. Since I am a full-time stay-at-home mom, I take my "job" very seriously. If they are puking all over the bed in the middle of the night, it's mommy to the rescue. If they've had a bad dream, they run to my bed to ask me to cuddle them and pray for them. If there is an accident,  I might be changing a bed at 3am. It's the best job in the world, and the toughest (in my experience) because they need you night and day.
     Here is a link to a clip from Libby's caberet that I think you will find funny regardless of your walk in life:

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=aSU9-LOeeKU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DaSU9-LOeeKU

Week 2: The Park Bench Pull

     I come from a long line of grudge holders. We secretly stew for months or even years waiting for the perfect moment to exact our revenge. Clearly, this is not what God wants us to do. He is the only one who can bring justice.
Sometimes when I find myself angry, it is directly related to a hurt that I haven't forgiven. Joyce Meyer always talks about how unforgiveness only hurts you, not the person you are angry at. I have a hard time remebering this. If Satan can convince me to rehearse a hurt over and over in my head, I'm like a bomb waiting to explode. The unintentional things my children do like accidentally putting the footstool on my toes is easy for me to forgive. It's when it is a repeat offense that I have a harder time letting go (like consistently forgetting to turn off the lights or laying jackets throughout the house instead of hanging them up--arghh!).
     It's funny how I started this post yesterday,  and the sermon today was all about how to have peace in your life. Guess what the topic was? Forgiveness. Our pastor used the illustration that when we carry a grudge against someone, it is like chaining yourself to a park bench that the offender sits on. We get exhausted from dragging it all around (I have done this extensively--hense my irritable temperament) while they in essence get a free ride. When you choose to forgive, you actually are choosing freedom for yourself. You release yourself from the park bench.
   A couple of years ago, God began working on me to start letting go of my hurts, and it really helped me with my temper. The problem is that I still continue to get hurt almost on a weekly basis if not daily basis. I'm a little sensitive, I guess. My hubby used to jokingly tell me that I'm "tender fresh-cut peas" just like it says on the frozen peas packaging. It's a good habit to get into to daily ask God to bring to mind those you need to forgive and those you need to ask forgiveness of. I've fallen out of this practice,  and my temper shows it.
     Our pastor gave some great steps to achieving peace by 1) Pursuing peace (Ps. 34:12), 2) Embracing our own need for grace (Eph 4:32), 3) Acknowledging our pain, 4) Choosing to forgive (Col.3:13), and 5) Extending grace (Rom. 12:14).  What do all those points spell? PEACE. Clever, huh? The point that really convicted me was embracing our own need for grace. He said your flow of forgiveness is always proportional to your awareness of how much God has forgiven you. When I have a hard time of letting something go, I'm concerned with justice. I'm forgetting how much Christ has forgiven me. I needed to hear that today for a proper perspective.
     For the record, I failed this morning when I snapped at my husband about cheese wrappers...how stupid is that?  Getting ready for church is sometimes a testy situation.  We struggle with getting to church on time. Thankfully,  only a few minutes later we were joking around...he doesn't appear to be dragging me around on a park bench. One quote I wrote down from today that seemed applicable given the name of my blog and this post was by Norman Cousins. "Life is an adventure in forgiveness."
     For the following week and rest of my challenge, I will be intentionally starting out my day with asking God who I need to forgive or ask forgiveness of. Let me start out this endeavor by saying, Honey, will you please forgive me for my explosion over the cheese wrappers?

Day 12: Small Adjustments

     This week I looked at the state standards for what my kids should be learning for their grade level. Although they are both very bright girls, I knew I haven't been challenging my second grader enough--specifically in the writing arena. At first, I felt overwhelmed with guilt and thought about what a bad teacher I've been.  I wasn't focused on everything I have taught her and all the things she is way ahead in as far as the standards go. I have two choices at this point: make little adjustments to get her to meet requirements or give up. As silly as it sounds, I wanted to give up. I know from experience that if she doesn't like something it leads to tears and serious moaning on her part. We started using "Handwriting Without Tears" this year for her, and when she realized she needed to change her grip, she scribbled through the "out" on her book. It now reads "Handwriting With Tears". She hates writing...which is hard for me to relate to. She loves talking (which I can relate to), so I tried to explain that all she had to do was write down what she would normally tell me. There were still tears when she realized that she had to read 12 pages of history.  She quickly problem solved and asked if she could split the assignment over several days. Of course, I was agreeable to that as long as it's done before next week. I would've never suggested she do history on Saturday; but since it was her idea, there were no tears. I also asked her to work on writing a report on bearded dragons...part on facts she's read and part to persuade my hubby and me that she should really have another pet despite having a dog, cat, and soon to be chickens. She is saving up for one and has already checked four or five books out about them from the library (she's been spouting off all kinds of facts to me in the last three weeks). At first she was skeptical, but when she realized that my hubby and I were wavering about whether or not to give her some of her Christmas money toward her bearded lizard project, she didn't utter a word of complaint. Small adjustments with a little motivation can make all the difference.
     My small group read the book, "Motherhood: the guilt that keeps on giving" by Julie Barnhill a couple of years ago. What a good book! Not only was I forced to come face to face with my own humanness  (along with forgiving my mom for a few slip-ups), I was also forced to stop looking at consistency as unachievable. She writes that consistency is not equivalent with perfection (I'm paraphrasing here). Consistency implies continuing toward a goal, but it doesn't imply that there are no setbacks along the way (or momentary lapses). Some of my anger stems from my drive for perfection and my guilt over my lack of it. It is totally unreasonable to ever expect me to never yell for the rest of my life. Yesterday my throat felt hoarse from yelling at Harley, our dog. (He totally deserved it in my opinion because he wouldn't stop barking at my friend that he knows is my friend [and has cuddled and played with].) I will still continue to feel no guilt over yelling at an animal...humans are on a different level in my opinion. However,  I am shooting to not be known as "the mom who yells". I want to consistently work toward that goal. When my kids confess that they were afraid to tell me something because they were afraid I'd yell at them, it breaks my heart. I'd like to be seen as approachable and reasonable. The past week and a half have felt like a lot of small adjustments,  but I feel like they are adding up. I'm trying to do my part as God leads me while allowing God be in control of everything I am incapable of doing or preventing.
     I don't want my drive for perfectionism to prevent me from meeting my goal of speaking lovingly to humans and constructively correcting my kids when needed.
    How are you doing with your goals?

Day 10: The White Flag of Surrender

     For two days, there has been no yelling.  While my 4 year old was whining in my ear as we left our house yesterday, I just said, "You are making it very difficult for me not to yell. Hearing you whine makes me feel angry." There is clearly a way to express myself without cutting my child down or losing control of my volume, and I'm beginning to find some balance and satisfaction.
     Waving a white flag has always signified giving up a battle, and asking for peace (and maybe even mercy). Three summers ago when our pastor gave a message on surrendering our battles to God, I walked down the aisle to the cross set up with white flags below it. We
were supposed to pick up a flag to take with us as a reminder of our decision to surrender some battle with God.  That day was the day I laid down my excuses and decided to respect my husband because God asked me to--regardless of whether or not I felt loved by him. It made a world of difference in how I've approached decisions he has made in leading our family.
     The book by John Ortberg that I'm reading has a whole chapter devoted to guess what?  Surrender!  He makes the point that without totally surrendering yourself, you cannot be changed by God. He points out that twelve step programs all include surrendering to a higher power as one of their steps, and it's critical to any success.  On our own will power, we are not strong enough. I'm trying to process this all, but surrender means giving up control.  I don't like giving up control, but I really do want to change...and who is more trustworthy than God. Mr. Ortberg also points out that by surrendering we also leave the results up to God, and that feels a little freeing. I don't want it to be all on my shoulders.
     So for the past couple of days when surprises like sticky rice splatters all over the floor, I'm  saying out loud (sometimes through gritted teeth) to God, "I trust you are in control of every situation." Honestly, it's helping my attitude...maybe you'd like to give it a try too.

Week 1: Setting Goals

     Well, one week is complete of my challenge.  I wish I could say I never yelled, but that would be a lie. Yesterday, when my little one bent the curtain rod, I was very angry...I didn't yell till she refused to go sit in the corner for time-out. Oops! However,  I didn't yell nearly as much this past week. After a week of being much more intentional, it still leaves me wanting more. It is not enough to not raise my voice...the problem is that I can still be unkind at a lower volume. The real challenge is to be kind with my words and to be constructive with my comments, not just refrain from yelling.  I think that is why my girls sometimes feel like I'm yelling even if my voice never raises. At the end of the day, one girl will say I yelled while the other who was right there beside me will say I didn't. It is the tone and the way I say things that are just as damaging as my volume. 
     The book "The Me I Want To Be" by John Ortberg talks about how just as we need God's grace for Salvation, we also need it to become who we want to be. "God's plan is not just for us to be saved by grace--it is for us to live by grace." For me this means letting go of my personal agenda and expectations and trying to focus on what God is asking me to do. It also means leaving the results to Him. That is hard for me...I like to be in control.
     This next week, I'd like to not only be conscious of my volume but how kind/constructive I am being with my words.
      So now you know my goal for this week ...I also met a different goal as of this week for my pregnancy.  I was hoping to make it to my third trimester and still be running. I'm excited to say that I am still running for 30 min. (although slightly slower) Reaching a goal has always felt good, and I'm sure that reaching my goal of changing how I deal with my anger will also feel good...a Christmas present fit for me, my daughters,  and the Birthday King.
     As a side-note, my two year old is not yelling as much either. That REALLY makes me smile!
     What goals are you setting and reaching for?