Day 18: When Pushing Doesn't Work

      Yesterday was a rough day. I could feel my anger swelling up within me multiple times in the afternoon (kinda like heartburn climbing my esophagus everytime I forget and bend over right after I've eaten).
     I had interrupted our normal Wednesday homeschool routine by attending a brunch that I was supposed to meet a couple of friends at. I was disappointed to find out that they were unable to attend, but overjoyed when I met up with two other friends that I hadn't anticipated seeing. I also ended up winning a prize. This should've made my day awesome, right? Wrong. I felt overwhelmed by the list of schoolwork I had on our schedule...all to be accomplished in less time than usually allotted. The harder I pushed the girls the more they goofed off, giggling hysterically while playing war with their feet. They were supposed to be writing a summary on "Robin Hood"! I got through the day without yelling,  but there was a lot of teeth grinding, and peace was one emotion I did not feel.
      I banned lists for myself in late 2007 because they weren't really helpful. They dominated me instead of reminding me, and I always felt like a failure because I never made it to the end of mine. Now that I'm responsible for educating my girls the list has reemerged in the form of their daily planner. I have to remind myself that the list is there to give direction and purpose to our day, not to bring guilt.
      This morning I realized it was the five year anniversary of when a dear friend of mine lost her husband to cancer.  I couldn't resist taking her over some food and chatting with her for a while. However this meant interrupting our usual schedule again. Relationships should always trump work, but it's hard for me to maintain perspective. The anniversary would be over tomorrow, but "doubles plus ones" facts would still be there. I didn't want a repeat of yesterday, so I decided to focus on the fact that we could always catch up on Friday or even Saturday if needed. I stopped pushing and even laughed a couple of times. I tried to enjoy the day and forget about my preconceived notions of what I should accomplish and in what time frame.  John Ortberg describes this as "trying softer". He observed that in yoga they never tell you to try harder to make a pose, but to allow your muscles to relax into it. You have to surrender your body to gravity. In the same way, he says "As a general rule, the harder you work to control things, the more you lose control." This is definitely true for me in the area of my temper. He goes on to say, "Trying softer means focusing more on God's goodness than our effort...It means less self-congratulation when I do well and less self-flagellation when I fall down. It means asking God for help."
     Today, I didn't feel the same anger indigestion that I had yesterday because I let go. We got almost everything done (except for reading some of Les Miserables-which we can do tomorrow). When tears came from the assignments, I slowed down, reassured the girls and took the time to address the issues that I usually rush through.
     The next time you are tempted to push your way through something, consider "trying softer" instead.