Every once in awhile, it just hits. I mean REALLY hits. Saturday was one of those days when I don't really know if I'm having a huge pity party or just allowing myself to feel again. Either way, I try to allow it when I recognize it. Sadness. Loneliness. Pain. Sorrow. Etc.
On Saturday, I was really missing... Saturdays. There was always something special about Saturdays. Me sometimes making breakfast or taking one of the kids on a breakfast date while Rachel slept in and had a (relatively) easy morning that generally had no commitments. The division of responsibilities that had just naturally developed over the years as we grew together and grew our family - mowing and taking care of other maintenance around the house. Grilling in the evening and just hanging out. Watching "Star Trek" and "Svengoolie" on our TV that is just connected to an antenna.
A very specific memory sitting with Caroline and Mr Blue Eyes on the driveway after an enjoyable Saturday. Watching a storm roll in and feeling like everything was right in our world.
And now, continuing to recognize that contentedness and security no longer exist like that. And a loneliness pervades.
Sometimes, I get a very specific insight into a generally feeling, and one thing in particular stood out to me as I was mowing. Hearing Caroline say, "The lawn looks nice". Wow. Seemingly trivial words that really energized me. Just remembering that as I was finishing up boosted me as if she was saying it to me again. And while it was a positive memory, it was also a deeply sad.
I'm still trying to figure out if there is purpose beyond just for me to express and get things in writing for myself and my kids... Is there a bigger purpose like directly challenging couples to not take these things for granted and encourage each other? Is what I've written enough to challenge indirectly without directly stating a challenge?
Or should I really be tackling bigger issues like... why do I feel like I keep switching from two spaces after each sentence to one space? And which way do I really like it? Keep it old school? Wait, why exactly are there two spaces anyway and why is it changing so that it's now acceptable for one space?
