The Crabapple Tree

         "I am not a crabapple! I am a golden delicious! " My children have heard me utter this phrase multiple times this week, but are still yet to question why I'm saying it. Maybe it is simply the fact that a crabapple sounds like a grumpy tree, and I have been saying this when I am tempted to be grumpy. Yesterday, we found out that my hubby has been a victim of identity theft, which meant there were a few phone calls to make on my end in the investigation. I hate trying to talk on the phone with as many kids as we have. The automated systems can never understand me with all the background noise that is usually going on in our house. I often times have to lock myself in the bathroom,  and it can be very distracting to listen to a couple of children pounding at the door while I am attempting to enter "the numeric portion of your address followed by the pound sign".  Yesterday, I could quickly feel my annoyance level raising to unsafe levels, so I verbalized that I am not a "crabapple". Saying it outloud stopped my anger from raising any further. 
          You may be asking, "So what's with all the tree talk?" Our church is launching a new ministry aimed at helping people break free from the hurts of their past; and as part of this, they've done a new sermon series concerning unlocking the door to freedom. This past Sunday our pastor talked about who we are in Christ. He gave the illustration that when we accept Christ into life hearts, our old life and identity are cut off of us. God grafts His identity onto us. We start out as, say, a crabapple. However, God fits a perfect graft of a golden delicious tree top on the base of our crabapple tree. The fruit we bear is golden delicious unless we let the sucker roots grow up from our crabapple base and bear fruit. After that grafting, nobody looks at that tree as a crabapple anymore. People see the fruit produced and call it a golden delicious tree despite its base.
         This illustration was mind-boggling to me, and made me very reflective.  Could it be that I am truly changed from a crabapple because of my graft into the family of God, and it is merely a process of opening my heart to God to ask Him to find the root cause of these sucker roots like anger and negative thinking?  Each time this week that I have felt the sucker roots trying to "bear fruit" I have verbalized that this is not who I am. I am a passionate person, yes, but not a yeller by nature. I can also be realistic without being "Debbie Downer".
         My girls have noticed that I have been happier this week (note not "perfect"), and my oldest daughter hypothesized that it is the phone. It's not, of course, it is that I have hope within me...hope that I am not defined by these negative habits...hope that I really am a "golden delicious". Hope is a powerful thing.
         If you'd like to listen to the message for yourself about "getting rid of your grave clothes",  please click here.

"The Tent of Meeting"

         As I sit and rock our son back to sleep, I think about all the other babies that have been rocked in this chair. I've rocked all five of our children in this chair. It's been more than a decade of my life that I have spent time rocking and consoling my little ones. This is also where I do 90% of my blogging since our newest addition two months ago. The other 10% is done while pacing the floors.
          This rocker has not only been a place for me to console, but where I have been consoled as well.  I was also nursed and  rocked here. My mom spent just as many hours as I do holding and helping me fall asleep.  Truth be told, I haven't just been consoled here as an infant though. This is the chair that I have poured my heart out to God. I have told Him my fears and worries over issues ranging from where we would live to when our child would ever go back to sleep. I have cried out in anger, hurt, pain and joy. This has been my "tent of meeting". In the Old Testament, it was where the priests and Moses could meet God. (see Exodus 27:21) It is amazing what a blessing a little quiet time in the middle of the night can be for really praying things through.  I have told you all recently that my rocker has become the chair that I sit to read my Bible in the middle of the night as well (thanks to my lovely smart phone and the Logos app). As part of my church's challenge for "30 days in the word", I read James 1:26 which says,"If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless." Ouch! Given my temper issue, I often lack control of my tongue, but this verse hit me square between the eyes. I felt a bit overwhelmed and (honestly) ashamed. What do my outbursts say about me? That same night I was also reading in Psalm 141 which gave the perfect solution to the conundrum of wanting to control my tongue but feeling powerless to do it. Verse 3 says, "Take control of what I say, O Lord, and guard my lips."  That has been the prayer of my heart ever since. There is a caution to acting as if I'm the one with the power when I pray. Beth Moore says, "If we take credit when we receive what we ask, not only will we offend God and mislead people, but we will also place ourselves in the position to take credit when we don't get what we earnestly ask for." This verse in Psalms is the perfect example of this...instead of "trying" to control my tongue and taking credit for my effort, I can pray for God's help...leaving the end result up to Him. These verses and insight all came in the middle of the night in my "tent of meeting",  the rocking chair.
          I have a beautiful glider that my mom gave us as a present when we had our first child, but still my rocker of choice for the nursery has always been this one that is nearly forty years old. It is the place I not only nurture our children but feel the presence of the Lord every night.

Most of All We Love

        Recently,  a dear friend of mine gave us a wall hanging that listed goals for our family. It talked about us "laughing" and "being patient...most of the time" and ended in "most of all, we love". It felt a bit ironic that just a few minutes before my friend arrived I had not shown much love to my two year old (who had chosen to come all the way into my bedroom to whine about how hungry she was). Our little boy was a little over a week old,  so my mom was at our house helping run our household.  My husband went back to work after playing Mr. Mom the first week, and I was so thankful to have my mom make the meals and keep up on the cleaning for an additional week. It makes me feel like I'm on vacation.  However, this particular morning did not feel like vacation but torture.  I hate being interrupted. My mom was watching "Little House on the Prairie" with all the girls,  and I was taking advantage of what I thought was a quiet moment before my friend arrived to watch the tutorial on the Storkenwege wrap I had been given. I was trying to learn how to tie a flat knot vs. a sliding knot when my two year old entered and rolled all over the floor hollering for something to eat.  Truthfully, at first she probably came into the room "talking" at a reasonable volume to me while I desperately tried to ignore her and watch the video (Was I supposed to lay the fabric to my right or the demonstrator's right?). I half-heartedly tried to convince her to talk to "Nana" about her food crisis while watching the video; and that's when she resorted to desperate measures of shrieking on the floor, completely overwhelming the quiet woman's voice teaching me all about knots. This is when I could ignore her no longer.
         I finally told her that she needed to wait for my help till after I watched the video clip since she was supposed to take up food requests with my mom. She was having none of this...which is when I snapped and told her that if she didn't leave the room, I'd be forced to help her. She chose to stay; so despite my lifting restrictions, I quickly hefted her out of the room and locked the door. This part of my room has glass-paned french doors, so I could see the hurt look on her face when she cried and hugged the baby peacefully sleeping on my bed in the other part of our room. At that moment, I wished I had stopped the tutorial and shown love by giving her my undivided attention for a few minutes.  A half an hour later, I felt more than a little guilty over my choice when I read the plaque about how "most of all, we love". It felt like no accident when earlier this week a friend blogged about focusing on love during this lent which just happened to start the day before Valentine's. I know God is trying to get a message through to me. My nerves have been a little raw this week as I have adjusted to lack of sleep and our new routine,  and I have snapped at our girls more than once.
         I'm reminded of 1 Corinthians 13. If I blog about things of importance but do not show love in my words to my girls, I am like a clanging cymbal. Even if I read my Bible every day and complete my forty minutes of Beth Moore Bible Study but don't share my time with the girls, I am nothing.   Even if I give my girl's conversation Jelly Belly's for Valentine's Day, but don't show love when they truly need a my help getting food...I gain nothing. Knowing how to tie knots will fade away. Getting enough sleep will eventually seem like less of a priority. Having my own space will gradually come again. What my family needs right now is my love, so I'm asking God to help me make it my top priority.

What are you struggling with right now?  I'd love to hear from you.
        

It's Been a Month!

     Merry Christmas! It's been a whole month of focusing on my biggest pet peeve...my yelling. I've learned a lot and I'm going to continue to study, forgive, surrender and pray concerning my yelling, but I'm really encouraged at the progress. I hope that you feel like you've made progress in the area you've been focusing on.
     I feel like I've had many chances to practice surrendering control over to God in the past few days...almost like a final exam at the end of a course. My two youngest got sick with a viral infection this past Thursday that has left them whiny, achy, and very needy. My poor hubby has also been sick for more than two days. My second eldest started showing symptoms last night of coming down with the same infection...which leaves just two of us healthy for the holidays. I'm so grateful not to be sick; however, it was disappointing not to go as a family to the church musical or go to the family Christmas Eve gathering. Fortunately,  I haven't blown up with my family (last night, I was even complimented on my attitude). A few times I have gotten irritated though. My mom is staying with us over the holidays...and we have had some friendly debates over how to bake her famous bread recipe (that she's been making for the past 30 years, and I've been making for the past 3 weeks--clearly she has a tad more experience). We quibble in the kitchen over little things, but usually end up laughing...like when she admitted that she measured "Amish" cups (or as most would say a "generous" cup) of milk for my yogurt instead of the standard. I questioned her about this when my usual container nearly overflowed with the yogurt mixture. She giggled when I asked her if she'd measured exactly 5 cups and said she'd wondered if I'd notice that she hadn't. I did.
     Sometimes it's hard to slow down and give up my plans when my family is sick...the last time I went through this was a month ago at Thanksgiving.  It went much better this time, and I think that all the prayer and blogging about this area has helped.
     I've had the wonderful privilege of reading a great new book by Jill Savage (coming February 4, 2013) called "No More Perfect Moms".  I definitely qualify as an imperfect mom...I didn't even get out Christmas cards this year. You will be hearing lots more about it in the next few months as it really ties in nicely with many of the struggles I've been going through. If you are curious about the book, here is the website that has more info on it, including a sign-up for a challenge beginning Jan.1st:

http://www.hearts-at-home.org/index.php/nmpm-home

Thanks for hanging out with me and joining me on my own adventure!

Day 27: Kitty breaks

     One of my favorite things about homeschooling is that when the girls go on "recess", I oftentimes find them sitting on the bench outside our back door holding a sleeping, purring cat. They could literally sit for an hour or more just holding their sleeping cat.  As a result of all the time they spend doting on their cats, we have two very, very friendly cats.  They come running when they hear the door open.
     One key thing for me that helps keep my emotions in check is having some down time. I really could work non-stop, but all work and no play makes for a very grumpy mommy and wife. When I am not working, I hear a lot of critical voices in my head telling me that I'm slacking and my family will suffer. This fall it was even a struggle for me to reason that it was ok to take a half hour to blog even though it really makes me happy to write down my thoughts. However, I've found that milk needs to be closely tended when making hot cocoa or making yogurt...so I pull up a stool and blog (while stirring every few seconds). Yes, we have hot cocoa/make yogurt that often.
     Everyday I take time to read my lesson if I'm involved in a Bible study; or if I'm in between lessons or sessions, I read a chapter or two in the Bible (I'm in Job right now). This is essential down-time for me and essential to my mental health. Before I developed a real relationship with Christ, I had no desire to read the Bible...it would have been one more thing to check off my list of good things to do, but the Bible has come to life for me as my love has grown. I used to look at God as a stern professor angry when I was "late" or absent for my Bible reading, but now I look at him as my best friend waiting for me with a cup of coffee in His hand hoping to share just the right words with me while I read the Bible. He's not angry if I miss our date...just disappointed. There is only love not condemnation.
     I really look forward to having a little one because it is one of God's greatest ways to tell me to slow down and enjoy the moment. I just can't do everything. A baby needs to be held and cuddled. They thrive on attention and kisses. It is an easy excuse to sit down, smell their sweet heads, and remember that God feels the same way about us. He holds us in His arms with the same love and patience.
     A couple of days ago while emptying the vacuum dirt into the trash, I noticed one of the girl's cats waiting on the bench for someone to cuddle with.  I sat down and took a kitty break. It was fun to watch the cat try to find a spot on my diminishing lap to lay down...she finally settled on top of my baby bump. It was fun to feel the baby respond to the warmth and purring mound of fur on top of him. There was no kicking...Harley (the dog) has gotten kicked a time or two when he rests his head on my tummy while I read to the girls...just gentle adjustments and movements. I couldn't help but smile and feel recharged. I think God was smiling too...maybe this is part of why He made cats...for little breaks on the bench. When I heard my two year old screaming in the house, I knew it was time to go back in. It was easier to go in with gentleness and patience on my mind after my break. It wasn't hard to control my volume in my words.
      What kind of breaks do you like taking? What makes you smile?

Day 25: Reducing the Christmas Madness

     Today is the blog hop sponsored by Hearts at Home. The topic is what Christmas traditions we do, and how to get your kids to think about giving vs. just getting.
     It was five years ago that we began giving just three presents at Christmas...one toy, one practical gift (like clothes or books), and one activity for the family.  We had gotten tired of watching our house fill up with toys to the point that there was clutter everywhere.  The girl seemed to be overwhelmed by all of the toys too. It didn't feel like they even had enough time to enjoy all of it. We had to regularly donate toys just to make room for the next crop of toys around the corner. It also was stressful for me as a mom to go out and purchase the perfect gifts and try to spend evenly on everyone.
     We talked about it as a family, and the first year we hid all the presents except for one which had a short poem with a clue for the next present. Just having three Christmas presents around the tree seemed a little strange, but the girls enjoyed hunting for presents so much that the tradition stuck...with one exception. There is just one present under the tree with a clue for the next child's gift. Everyone has their turn, and moment of glory...which makes it easier to see their faces and savor the moment as a parent. It also stretches out the gift-giving fun for a good hour. Doing it on a budget makes it all the more interesting because of the creativity required. When they asked for a more expensive toy, they received a puzzle to do as a family activity or we went through a local Christmas light display that costs $5 on the weekdays, but everyone loves. One year they received $3 placemats for their practical present.
     Each child is in charge of filling a shoe box for a child their age through the "Operation Christmas Child" project which is both fun, and "our present to Jesus". We ask them to get things they would like as an effort to get them to be generous and not just self-centered. They also give away part of their allowance to wherever they choose, and they sometimes use it for the shoe boxes or the bell ringers.
     Last year while anticipating a move, we asked our families to do activities with us instead of exchanging gifts.  We went bowling with my hubby's family and it was lots of fun. The year before we watched a new movie, played a new game (Twister) and splurged on special snacks that we wouldn't have otherwise purchased to eat during our movie.
     What are you favorite family traditions? Please feel free to share in the comments below.

Day 24: Death to Synapses

      It's easy for me to feel overwhelmed. It's easy for me to get angry about the things I can't control. It doesn't help my situation though. The most recent chapter that I read in "The Me I Want to Be" talks about the feelings your thoughts can produce.
     Early this morning when my youngest woke me up to announce that she'd overflowed her diaper, I could've been annoyed to have to get up to change her clothes and bed sheets...or I could've focused on the fact that this is the first time she's gotten me up at night for almost a week. I had a choice of which thought to dwell on. When I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath because my reflux kicked in around 2 am (and my supper was trying to find it's way into my mouth), I could've felt upset that my body is not my own and that this little baby doesn't give my stomach enough room to digest my food properly...or I could've been happy that I haven't been sick at all this pregnancy (not even with morning sickness). When I was attempting to run this morning and had to stop because with every bounce I could feel my dear little one's feet trying to stretch my ribs to a new level of discomfort,  I could be discouraged that I couldn't run as long as I had planned or be encouraged that I'm still running/walking at 32 weeks of pregnancy.
     I have to run to those positive thoughts, or my whole day stinks. The dark thoughts try to suck every ounce of hope from me. Honestly, some days I lose the battle. I am constantly bombarded with a black hole of negative thoughts.  My favorite thought from this chapter I'm reading says that our brain even as adults are changeable (known as neuroplasticity). "Which synapses remain and which ones wither away depends on your mental habits. Those that carry no traffic go out of business like bus routes with no customers." When you dwell on the positive your mind is physically changing your brain.
     I could choose to look at the times I've failed in my challenge of not yelling this month or think about all the times I've heard the girls tell me how nice I am in the past month. It has seriously been a record number of times that they've said that. I know which synapse I'd like to die...how about you?