The Gift

          "I can't empty the dishwasher;  I'm not done decorating!!" Gracie lamented through gritted teeth. It was the second time that I had asked her to come empty the dishwasher, and her frustration with my lack of "understanding" showed in her tone of desperation. I wanted the dishwasher emptied right that instant. My lip was not protruding yet, but my face was bearing a serious pout that only a martyr of motherhood can wear properly. This day was special.   I resorted to using the strongest persuasion that a mother can utter but one day out of the year: "...but it's MY birthday." 
          To which she agonized, " I know!! THAT'S why I'm decorating!  It's your present!!"  I tried to explain that a real present would be to do what I asked even if it conflicted with her plans, but I could sense that Gracie was not getting my point.
            'Tis the season of giving, so I have been more reflective than usual about gifts in general. That day, I felt a gentle nudge about how many times I had been "giving" God my time (like with volunteering at church), but blowing up at the kids when we were late for my "serving" commitment. God's commandments boils down to two things: loving Him and loving others (Luke 10: 27). The best gift I can give God this season is what He really wants: everything done in love. This is what I'm focusing on...love.
         Do you ever feel like the ugly step-daughter of God that He has decided to ignore all your requests? That's a little how I felt lately. I've searched my heart for what is holding Him back from me and come up empty. It's moments like these that I try to hold onto what I know to be true. (Reading about Joseph waiting 13 years to be out of his dark season puts my impatience in perspective--I hope I don't have 13 years of this!).  My birthday was feeling a little less than perfect this year. I had planned on going on a fun field trip or something (birthdays are holidays in our school); but Sierra, our cat, showed up two days earlier and her shots were overdue. She hadn't been around for two months. She's been upset ever since the kittens arrived over a year ago. We had to hold her captive in a seperate coop till we could take her to the vet, which ended up being my birthday.
           Gracie decorated in the house after the vet appointment, while I sat on the porch attempting to spend a little time with Sierra before she took off. I told God how hopeless I felt about Sierra, making changes in my life, getting more organized,  and just life in general. It's hard to hold onto hope when you don't see answers to what you are praying for. It's easy to believe in God, but not that He actually rewards those who seek Him out (Hebrews 11:6)...especially when you don't feel rewarded. I asked God if He still heard me, if He was really still working on my requests, and for some sort of sign that He still loved me. I told Him how heartbroken I was that Sierra kept running away and refused to make peace with our other cats. I felt to blame for having too many cats around. I remember feeling that if there was no hope for Sierra, there was no hope for me. The longer I stayed on the porch with the cat, the more she hissed at me and refused to even let me pet her. When Mary came home from school, I asked her to let Sierra go after saying goodbye.  Who knew when she would be back.
          When we arrived home at the end of AWANA that night, I was shocked to see Sierra waiting for us at the front door. I put her back in the coop that night, and she has been at our house ever since (sleeping by herself at night). She not only came back but has been extremely affectionate since that day.That one answer to prayer was enough for my faith to skyrocket.  I know God is still working; and the lack of answers, just means that He has better ideas than I can request.

If you're feeling hopeless,  this post is for you.  He is still there. He hears every request. He's working and His solution is better than you could ever imagine! Keep believing and loving those around you.

Merry Christmas!

When Hope Comes to Life

             "I don't think any of my eggs will hatch." It wasn't the words that bothered me as much as the tone of voice she used. It was the sound of hopelessness. Half-pint was fighting back tears when she told me about her most recent discovery in her duck's nest. That day she had found an oozing egg, and we all remember what that means, right? (Did you miss the rotten egg story? Click here.)  To make matters worse, we left town for a short vacation the previous week; and all three young boys ducks (plus one girl) flew away while we were gone. We now have just one hobbling drake and five girls. I could tell that Half-pint was losing hope. I've felt that same feeling many times--the feeling that nothing good will happen. Even worse, I've thought that nothing will ever change. I have enough history to also know it is a lie, and who is behind it. A mentor of mine used to use a phrase I love...that it was "a lie straight from the pit of hell". I don't mind Half-pint mourning her loss of ducks. That's normal and healthy. The part she was struggling with was giving up on the future just because something bad that happened in the past. I told Half-pint that we had no control over what had happened,  but we also can't tell the future. The only thing we can do is to pray to the One who does have control.
          We have added a lot of new life on our prairie. Last week, we added ten new chicks and two red-ear slider turtles. Despite Half-pint's concerns, this week we've also added a dozen brand-new ducklings. The joy on the children's face was priceless when Half-pint rushed in to tell us that the ducklings were hatching.  We put math on hold to watch a little natural science. It was fascinating to observe the way the mother covered the little ones by puffing out her feathers. The little ducklings would pop out from under the mama and occasionally venture a few inches from her till they realized their mistake. They began a frantic peeping and raced back to her side. She quickly tucked them under her, all the while carefully rolling the unhatched eggs around under her warm feathers. Charlotte, my Rhode Island Red hen, jumped down from her perch in fascination. She's green with envy.
            A funny thing happened when our mama duck started sitting on her eggs. Charlotte decided to sit on her eggs (and all the other hens eggs). I gently explained that since we have no rooster, she was only spoiling our breakfast. She dutifully squawked at me and puffed her feathers out to look fierce. Several times I donned my leather gloves and took her eggs.  I gave up gluten,  I'm not about to give up my eggs too. When the duck eggs hatched, she finally realized the futility of sitting on her empty nest because she reluctantly spent some time outside with the rest of the hens. Maybe I should give her a little talk about hope too. Perhaps someday, we'll get a rooster.
            Last weekend,  our pastor spoke on Christ being a man of sorrows. It is so easy to take for granted how much He suffered for us. They showed clips from "The Passion of The Christ", and it was hard for me not to feel light-headed while seeing the way his flesh was torn by the whips they used.  I cannot fathom allowing someone to nail my hands to a wooden beam to hang from when I did absolutely nothing wrong. It hurts my heart to think of watching any of my children suffer the way that Mary and God did. The passage our pastor read from was Isaiah 53:1-12. He spoke about how we have all strayed from God's path, and he pointed out that sin is ultimately a disconnected heart, a turning to our own way. Honestly,  I've felt that lately...like there is a disconnect between my heart and His...like I've wandered out of the nest on my own. There has been a feeling of hopelessness in my heart over prayers that I have continued to lift up. There has been a lack of passion in my heart for Him.  I'm guilty of walking around oblivious to God, mulling over my own disappointments instead of noticing His blessings. It's been easier lately to make other things a priority over reading my Bible. It's been easy for me to forget what He did. No more. This past weekend was a good reminder of how much He hurt for me and how much He loves me. Seeing the ducklings hatch also reminded me that no human really knows the future and not to give up my hope so easily!
           I attended a women's event recently that highlighted Romans 13:11-14. It was dead on with what I've been experiencing. It begins by saying, "But make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing!"