Up In Smoke

         If you'd like to read about a really bad day that I handled well, click here to read "Harley and the Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day". Today though, I'd like to be honest with you about how many of my days have gone "up in smoke". It feels good to only write about my successes, but it hardly feels real. Real life consists of the good, bad, and the ugly. Lately, there has been a lot of ugly in mine.
        I've been averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night (on a good night I get 7, but even then I get woken up an average of three times...and try to keep "the spit-up king" upright for at least 15 minutes after nursing and changing diapers...which is tough). Each "wake-up" usually takes about an hour of my time. I know it could be so much worse, so it seems silly to complain. The poor baby is just 7 weeks old and will do a five hour stretch but sometimes I only catch 2 or 3 hours of it because I'm putting the other four to bed or completing some essential thing that I couldn't do with him in my arms (last night, I stayed up to finally make the birthday cake that I'd been trying to make all day). I know this level of sleep deprivation is temporary and that has been my consolation for the past couple of weeks.
          This is the list of my imperfections and low-points from just this past week: 1) I've yelled at almost everyone daily, including the dog. 2) I can't remember how many times I've been asked why I'm crying. 3) You would probably laugh at all the medical issues I've googled in the past week, assuming that I've maimed my children or we will need surgery to fix my mistakes/worn out body.  I believe in God's power, yet I'm having hard time resting in trust. 4) I'm participating in a study called "Believing God", and as part of the study we divide our lives into fifths to chart the notable events in our lives. Do you know that I have had someone very close to me die in each section (we're talking immediate family or best friend)...and I'm beginning a new fifth. This leaves me wondering "Who'll die next ?"
         I'd also be seriously exaggerating to say that I've been like this all week. Sometimes, I am so weak, but not always. Last Sunday night, I successfully navigated waiting for an extra half hour for pizza (without losing my cool) with a six week old, two year old,  and four year old. I had to wait because I had called the pizza into the wrong location. My infant overflowed his diaper, so I changed, nursed, and  burped him while entertaining two hungry kiddos smelling pizza they couldn't eat. There was no yelling either. This past week, I have kept up with laundry, schoolwork, and bills (though I'm yet to do this month's budget). I've hosted seven family members for an overnighter (although in truth, they handled two of the four meals,, and took care of all the dishes for me). I've sucessfully fed our baby (and kept him clean...which is time-consuming considering all the spit-up), all despite going through two illnesses. I've hugged and kissed my kids and spouse...and apologized to them when I've messed up.
        What is the key in all this mess of sorting through my past week?  I know that I have value, not because of what I've done, but because God says I matter to Him. He takes delight in me and sings over me each night at bedtime. (Zeph. 3:17) He loves me without conditions and despite how much I mess up. (Jer. 31:3 ) What I think about is powerful, and I need to be careful what I choose to dwell on. I've come accross this same scripture three times this week, which is my cue to pay attention and apply it. Philippians 4:18 gives us the perfect filter to pass my blunders all through. It says, " Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true,  whatever is noble, whatever is right,  whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,  whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." When I choose to only dwell on what is not only true, but noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy, I can no longer beat myself up on all the things I've done wrong. I have to learn from my mistakes and move on. Proverbs 15:15 says, "For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast." (taken from NLT) Is your life a continual feast? Check the reality of His love for you and what you're thinking about, and I promise your day will go better...hopefully, you can put out the fire before your day goes up in smoke.

What are you struggling with? Feel free to leave it in the comments below, and I will happily pray with you about it.