Shooting at the Walls of Heartache

          ..."Bang! Bang!"   Do you know the next line of this song by Patty Smyth? It has to do with my word for this year. A few years ago, I started asking God for a word for the year. I hadn't really thought about it till the end of this year when our pastor brought it up.  On New Year's Day, I found myself running on our treadmill in our basement asking God for the word. Pretty quickly the word "warrior" came into my head. "Wow!" I thought. "That's way cooler than some of the other words I had in the past (the year I had "perseverance" was a very challenging one)." In my head, I started singing "Shooting at the walls of heartache...Bang! Bang! I am the warrior." The next thought that came in my head was "What an arrogant word! I can't tell anyone this!?" The truth is I am not a warrior. I have felt defeated and broken. Remember my post "Frozen". I had a harder time writing that than any post to date. I literally froze. I thought that maybe God wants to make me into a warrior this year, and that's what it meant. I usually pick a verse to go with it, so I did a search for "warrior" on Bible Gateway. All I turned up were lots of verses about God being a warrior (and others being warriors). None of them spoke of God promising to turn a person into one.  I've really felt like I'm in the battle of my life especially this fall, so I don't think God is saying "Caroline,  you are a warrior." Otherwise,  I'd already be victorious.  I believe I will be victorious but not because I'm some heroic person.  I can't do this alone.

I can't do it at all.

              I need someone to fight for me. This last week, I read Exodus 33:13 in the Amplified version; and it practically jumped off the page at me. It says, "Now therefore, I pray You, if I have found favor in Your sight, show me now Your way, that I may know You [progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with You, perceiving and recognizing and understanding more strongly and clearly] and that I may find favor in Your sight. And [Lord, do] consider that this nation is Your people." This was a request Moses made to God, and all week long this has been my request to God. I want God to go to battle on my behalf for what I cannot do on my own.
          I looked back at the search again while I was writing this post. I didn't see half the verses the first time for some reason. I saw a couple of verses that caught my attention. I read Proverbs 16:32 and felt a twinge of guilt over my failures in the patience department. "Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city." As many people have pointed out the "fruits of the Spirit" like "self-control" are something evidenced in our life because we have the Holy Spirit living in us. What better way to request his fruit than to asking Him to guide us and show us His way? I'm not going to feel guilty about that verse, but I will memorize it to use the next time I get into a power struggle with my little tyrant. ("Think, patience, Caroline, not war!")

The verse that most testifies to what I think this year's word should mean is this verse: Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” As I ask God for His favor this year to know Him better and in a deeper way, I can almost hear Him singing, "Shooting at the walls of heartache...Bang! Bang! I am the Warrior!"

What is your word/verse for the year? I'd love to have you leave a comment...