The Feeling of Falling

           It happened again Tuesday morning.  I neglected to see the water from the melted snow (that refroze overnight) in our gravel driveway.  You know the pathetic person with their feet up in the air on the wet floor sign? That was what I looked like. Last week, I fell twice (once on ice outside, once in my kitchen) landing on the opposite side of my body. At least, I'm equally bruised. I have a history of clumsiness...and falling. I heard last week that the best way to prevent a fall is to waddle like a penguin. Clearly, I need to test this one out or invest in some whole body padding...my hips and elbows are taking a beating.
           History is one of my favorite subjects because I love understanding the "why" behind events (science is my next favorite subject). I felt a little stupid Tuesday that I hadn't seen the ice as I was scurrying around, trying to switch over car seats. When will I learn from my history to slow down, pay attention,  and waddle? The topic of this Thursday's Blog Hop (sponsored by Hearts at Home) is "Loving Your Feelings".
            Last week a local station did a promo for Valentine's Day that shed a new light on my marital relationship. A pastor was proudly announcing a newlywed couple for the first time as "two who became one". I smiled at the words, remembering my own delight at taking my hubby's name. However,  I rarely think of my hubby and I as being "one" nowadays. It's hard to feel connected to him when I have five very real distractions asking for my attention. He is Charles. I am Caroline.  He works full-time time out of the home.  I work full-time in the home. He enjoys beer. I prefer a glass of wine. He likes to fall asleep to the T.V. The sound of the T.V. makes it almost impossible for me to sleep. He loves to learn as he goes. I love to research an idea for years before hesitantly deciding I should still research it a little longer before trying anything new. There are so many ways that we are exact opposites, and yet we have beem declared "one" person.

            Mark 10:7-9 says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

             I always think about this verse in regards to physical intimacy,  but in reality the verse goes far deeper than that. When my hubby is hurting, do I hurt with him? When he rejoices, do I get excited too? When he has a problem, am I there to really listen? If we are really "one", shouldn't the answer to all three be "yes!"? Honestly it's easy  (but not right) for me to look at his problems as just that: "HIS" problems.  It's easy to say that because we have five children that it's just too hard to find time together and really share each other's burdens. Isn't this whole connecting thing important though? Even with lots of little ones?  Shouldn't they see the way you are to treat your spouse?

             Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up."

            We are married for a reason. He's supposed to help me up when I'm down,  and I'm supposed to help him up when he's down. How do I get my feelings to match up with the reality of our "oneness"?
          Sometimes,  it's just hard to know where to start. Rev. 2:3-5 talks about rediscovering your first love (who knew the Bible has advice on that??). It says to do what you did at first. When I was first dating Charles, I spent a LOT of time with him. We did things together. I learned what his favorite foods were. I paid attention to anything new on him all the way from clothes to a scratch on his arm. The past couple of weeks, I've tried to look back at our history and learn from it.

          We've both been more intentional about spending time together--like really intentional. We've spent hours talking on the weekends (sometimes with a sitter watching the kids and sometimes before the kids get up) and even started watching a movie on Sunday nights, just the two of us. I feel like I have a best friend again.  We've laughed a lot together and we've even talked through a couple of issues to resolve a thing or two. This is easier to do when you actually talk minus children, who are bound to interrupt every ten seconds. I have no shame in putting on an occasional movie to distract my children from interrupting us.

          Another thing that I've been doing a whole lot more of is praying for my hubby. Last week, he shared about an especially rough day. Instead of just seeing it as "his problem", I spent a day fasting and praying just for him. Even when I'm in a heated conversation,  it's amazing what a quick prayer can do. New ideas pop into my head. It calms me down so that I can communicate better. It's hard to be mad at someone that you're praying for. God always seems to gently point out what I should be doing differently or change altogether. 

            I've also been intentional about what I think about regarding my hubby.  When we were first dating, he had just as many annoying qualities about him, but I never noticed.  I was too focused on all the kind things he did for me and the way he made me feel. Charles has always been a generous man, but I've been dwelling on it a lot more lately. Two weeks ago, I dropped my smart phone, and he didn't even bat an eyelid at the substantial deductible we paid to get a new one. He gave all the girls a single long-stemmed rose for Valentine's Day, but I received two dozen! He wanted me to have enough to put them around the house wherever I wanted.  I put a big bunch next to a purchase of his that had initially annoyed me (just in case I was tempted to think grumpy thoughts). He's not just generous with money though. When it has been wet and slick out, he's left his Suburban to drive, so I can get around safely. (Maybe that is a generous money move considering the damage I've done to the van this winter.) What I've focused on has made me feel a lot happier about our relationship. I've had a new sensation of falling again, but unlike slipping it hasn't hurt. It's familiar...part of my history...I love the feeling of falling in love.

What can you learn from your history?  What do you do to love your marital feelings? I'd love to hear your comments below and learn from you.

To learn more about how other moms are loving their feelings, click here to see other blogs.

In the Morning

          In the morning,  there is a lot of activity in our house. The baby is babbling in his crib, waking up his siblings.  The dog is begging to be let out, usually only waking up me (the two older ones are able to sleep through it). If I go outside,  there are ducks quacking in their box, waiting to splash and play in their water. The hens are clucking,  waiting to taste the delicious fresh dew on the grass (always on the other side of the fence). The sounds and activity of the morning are soothing to me. It's like slipping on a soft, fur-lined, leather glove in the crisp autumn air...it's comfy. A friend told me that the top three stressful life events are 1) death of a loved one, 2) divorce, and 3) moving. This time around, I would have to agree. Our move last year didn't stress me out in the least bit. Our move this year has been a much different story. Of these three "stressors", I have personal experience with two. Watching another good friend deal with some custody issues, definitely helps me appreciate that moving is not nearly as stressful. There is the obvious thing they have in common: major change. However, they are all, in my mind, mournable as well. This past Friday, we closed on our house in Illinois.  Charles, my hubby, asked if I was relieved; and I am to an extent...but I wasn't thinking about that in that sense this past Friday.  I was in mourning.  I was sad about the loss of a house that had just started to feel like home. I had other dreams that were never realized there.
           In the mourning, I have slammed my hand down in anger, breaking my mascara wand (poor wand...what did it ever do to deserve such treatment). I hollered several times last week that I missed our old house, and I just about lost it when I still couldn't find our toilet plunger after two days of searching and finding a plugged stink bomb in the basement. Charles has been a safe place to confide my frustration,  and I'm really glad for that.  Crying and expressing my sadness really helps me process things and move on. We have both been frustrated with how challenging this has been to close on this house. We are still renting,  but a new bank is now promising to finance it (one that is cool with crazy people wanting a cozy house with lots of land). The relocation package offered by Charlle's work was sweet, but it still doesn't quite cover all this unforseen drama. Sometimes it feels a little like money poured down the drain. Last Friday (when I was tempted to dress in black and sit in the closet with a "do not disturb" sign posted), I read Mark 14 (I'm in the NT in the Amplified Version). It relates the story of the woman who "wastes" a years salary on pouring perfume on Jesus' feet. Jesus didn't see it as a waste, but as a beautiful offering. It struck me that nothing is wasted on God. I'm not Catholic,  but I really enjoyed a series of talks given on "suffering" last summer by a priest. He repeated over and over the thought of "offering up" our suffering so that it is not wasted. Last Friday,  I struggled,  but I gave up my disappointments and frustrations. I told God I didn't understand,  but that I chose to trust Him. I asked Him to accept this as an offering to Him.
              It's been a week. It's morning again; and instead of feeling waves of sorrow,  I'm feeling some waves of gratitude roll over me. It's been awesome to be around my brother and sister-in-law.  They've made me feel so welcome and already had the kids over for a couple of overnighters. They've helped us plug into an Awana club for the kids to go to and a church (we'll be getting out at least bi-weekly). Also, the people here have been very friendly and kind (except the sherrif department),  and I'm getting used to driving 30 minutes to just about everything.  I found Target this past week, and I was so grateful to find the store where I buy phthalate-free, paraben-free mascara in the same strip mall. The friendly clerk/consultant even introduced me to even better mascara for only a dollar more (it's free of mineral oil, triclosan, sodium lauryl sulfate and synthetic fragrances with a cute little bunny sign on it to denote it is also cruelty free...plus it's made in the USA).
      My mom gave me part of my name based on this verse she read on the day I was born, "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." (Ps. 30:5) I think it's becoming a bit of a reoccurring theme verse for me.
       I don't know if you are suffering or stressed,  but know that nothing is wasted on God. Mourning is tough, but morning is coming.

Five New Things I Learned the Fifth Time Around

             I've been in the baby stage of mothering since 2002, but I still keep learning more about myself and children. Here's a few things a that even I didn't know until the last year.
           1) You can run during pregnancy safely. With a little research and encouragement from fellow runners, I ran up until the day before I went into labor. I had to slow down. (I ran at 5.3 mph at the beginning of my pregnancy; and in my third trimester, I had to slow down to 4.5 mph). I hate running,  but I loved the energy I had during my pregnancy.  I felt fantastic!  I had barely any swelling, and I had cravings for more proteins than carbs...which meant a more balanced diet for my little one. In the previous two pregnancies, I had gained around 35-37 lbs. This time around I gained 24 lbs. I wondered if this would effect the baby's size, but my fifth weighed 7 lbs. 15 oz. (making him my biggest baby so far)
           2) Homebirth's are awesome and much safer than is generally believed.  I was surprised to find out how many precautions they take with homebirths...all the way from having IV fluids and emergency drugs available to the intensive history and listening for any signs of distress. I would have a homebirth again in a heartbeat...if there were a sixth time around.
           3) Olive oil is great for newborn bottoms. Every time I had bought some thick gunky diaper rash cream because the first poo (meuconium) stuck to the skin and caused horrible irritation. I was told by my midwife to simply apply olive oil after each diaper change with a cotton ball, and viola, the poo doesn't stick...which means it's easily wiped off...which means zero diaper rash. Super natural and effective!
             4) Washclothes are essential for baby boy diaper changes. Instead of getting peed on, the washcloth will take the brunt and save your shirt. It didn't seem to matter how recently he'd peed, he always was ready to fire. After the first couple of months, he stopped being so dangerous.
              5) Babies don't need constant bathing. I had no idea that the white coating (vernix caseosa) would actually be helpful. We never washed it off but rubbed it into his skin as our midwife suggested. Instead of having the nasty peeling skin (that all my other babies went through at a week out), his skin was all soft and sweet-smelling. Our midwife explained that it is like awesome baby lotion that protects the skin while in utero and also will protect them after birth. I swear his spit up just wiped off so much better...like natural Rain-X. (Ok, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point.) I also found that sponge baths were completely sufficient for most days. Once a week after the cord healed, I gave him a complete bath making sure to scrub his head with a gentle brush to keep the cradle cap at bay. I did miss brushing a part of his forehead with a small patch of hair...when it started turning yellow like a week old bruise, I gave it a good brushing too. Although he needed his neck area washed a lot due to all his spitting up, he didn't need a full bath every other day (which was the regiment I had imposed on all of the previous four babies from the day they had come home from the hospital).

           This may be my fifth child, but it is my first boy. My mother-in-law used to talk about how good of a baby my hubby was. My newest child is a real chip off the old block. He is the most easy-going, low maintenance baby ever. I can't imagine any girl ever finding him less than that...but I'm sure she'll be tempted to once she's married.  When I pray for his future spouse, I ask that God will give him a woman that will love him and truly appreciate him, who will encourage him and enjoy his adventures along side him. This makes me reflective about how I respond to my adventuring partner. Am I enjoying the journey that we are on together? When I look into my sons eyes, I can see his father, and it makes my love and appreciation for both of them grow even more. The gift of a fresh perspective has been the greatest blessing the fifth time around.

What have you learned in the past year?

State of Departure

         I have been quiet for while because we have big news, and I was waiting till it was completely official. My hubby has a new job in Kansas that he begins on Monday. I had been preparing my heart for a new job for quite some time now (here's the post from September concerning that--in case you missed it), but I was unsure if it would mean a move. It was a great joy to me that we were able to be at our current location for the birth of our baby in January; but when my hubby talked to me about looking for jobs after his birth, I confirmed that I would indeed be happy to follow where he would like to lead our family. As much as everyone (including my hubby) loves our current home, the past few months have brought a lot of changes with his job that have made it increasingly clear that it is not where he'd like to be. He also began seeing positions changing/eliminated and sensed that his might be next. The first night after making his decision was a very long night for me. I felt like I was processing the whole decision, and what it all entailed. Thought after thought raced into my brain like the friends and groups we'd leave behind, or all the memories about the house. With every thought that flooded my mind, I began confessing "God, I trust you!" I began asking God for his peace. When I woke up after finally falling asleep in the wee hours of the morning, I was filled with a happiness and excitement about what is ahead of us. There was a ton of prayer that went heavenward the past few weeks during this decision. My hubby had a position offered to him in our current location as well as in Kansas...and the girls and I were praying that we could stay here. My hubby really wanted to stay here as well, but the job here just wasn't as good of a fit (or as good of a financial proposition either). I know God heard our prayers asking for His will, His guidance, and to stay here. If He said no to staying here than I know He has something even better planned. So here's the amazing thing that happened the following Wednesday, May 1st. My hubby's position was eliminated (for financial reasons, not performance related reasons). God knew what would be happening the next week, and I stand amazed at how He set this all up. The timing of it blows me away. My hubby had seen that things weren't going well at work which gave him more incentive to look; but instead of him giving two weeks notice to his current boss, he ended getting severance pay...paid time off to prep our house and allow for some quality family time. Showing a house will be the hardest thing concerning moving for me. Last year, four children plus a big dog made it really challenging...add a three month old baby to that; and, well, it becomes even more challenging. I believe God has His hand in all of this; and although it is easy for me to feel overwhelmed, He has promised that I can "do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me". (Phil. 4:13)
           I could look at this as climbing the next rollercoaster, but I don't think that's what God has in mind for me. I'm looking forward to soaring with God instead. We will soon be departing Illinois. I'm setting me eyes on God and preparing for take off.
       

Like a Rock

        "You're not my mother. Don't tell me what to do." These were the first words the new boy said to me on the playground. I was in 4th grade, and he was in 5th. Those words devastated  me and all my hopes of love. I had a huge crush on him, and I was desperate to talk to him. I was captured while playing "boys against the girls" at recess, and I decided to take the opportunity to give him a few suggestions on how to build the prison for the girls.  I had no idea at the time that I was talking to my future husband (who, by the way, has his masters degree in engineering). Apparently, he forgot about his harsh words to me...but I didn't. Later that summer at school camp, I had my revenge.  He had a girl ask me out and ask if I thought he was cute. I refused him, and said I didn't think he was cute just to spite him. Today is the third Thursday blog hop sponsored by Hearts at Home and the topic is no more perfect marriages.
         Over the past 15 years of marriage,  I've learned a lot. Our marriage has definitely had it's ups and downs. I believe we have grown closer over the years, and I think my husband's initial words to me have stayed true to this day. At times in my marriage, I've been tempted to treat my husband as a child instead of as a partner...arrogantly assuming that I am right and he is wrong. How could he be so blind!? God has really worked on my heart to let him walk in the role that he is meant for as the leader of our home. Taking on the role of a mother instead of a spouse insinuates authority for the "mother" which isn't my role.  Letting him lead has taken us on many wonderful adventures like moving to our most recent home this past summer, and I'm glad for the choices he has made because they have worked out for my good...like the amazing water birth we had at home just three weeks ago because of the house he wanted to move into. By letting go, I got an even better house.
        Jill Savage talks about not referring to our husbands as our "children" in her new book, "No More Perfect Moms". I think she makes great points about it being demeaning and disrespectful. Respecting our husbands is THE command God has given us concerning our husbands. Ephesians 5:23 uses the word "submit", and I can feel some of you cringing right now...trust me when I say that I've been right there with you (this was the story about the beginning of my surrender).
        Letting my husband lead has helped me to let go of a lot of anxieties that I was unnecessarily carrying. It has also opened up our communication about things that we used to argue over. There is no longer a battle, but a collaboration. He knows I'm not trying to control the situation which allows him freedom in discussing situations without fearing judgement on my part.  I'm not perfect, and sometimes I still find myself trying to run the show...but it happens a lot less (and it's much easier to catch nowadays). I'm still learning as I go, but my heart is in this marriage 100%. It's really important to me that we model a "normal" marriage for our children...not necessarily a perfect one. I want them to be able to look at our marriage, and see the good that is there along with the disagreements that we resolve. I want them to know that my respect and love for their father is solid...like a rock.

"Where, O Where, Are You Tonight?"

                “Why did you leave me here all alone?  I searched the world over and thought I found true love.  You met another; and pfft, you were gone.”  I remember watching the TV show “ Hee Haw” as a child, and this was one of the reoccurring songs that my brother still finds funny to this day.  My dad let us watch it along with a few other shows he enjoyed, but I remember my mom really disliking this show.  From what I remember besides money, TV was one of my parent’s main sources of conflict.  My mom would call the TV the “boob tube” with great disgust and only turned it on to watch the weather.  Every marriage goes through conflict.

                In Jill Savage’s new book, No More Perfect Moms, she talks about the impossibilities of a perfect marriage.  She says, “If we’re honest, real marriage brings our ‘yuck’ to the surface.  Selfishness and pride raise their ugly heads in the everday life of a normal marriage.  After all we like things the way we like them.  Our way is the right way.  Our rationale is always more logical than our spouse’s rationale.  Right?”  She goes on to talk about how pride really is at the core of many of our problems by saying, “Perfect marriages don’t exist because they are made up of two imperfect people.  Unfortunately, pride keeps us from admitting just how imperfect we are.”  The chapter tells about more of her own challenges in her marriage along with resources for dealing with divorce, infidelity, pornography issues, and male depression.  This is coming from someone who has experienced pain, even recently.  She talks very openly in her book about her husband’s decision a little over a year ago to walk out on her and their family.  I really admire her honesty and willingness to share about her personal life because in many ways we can all relate.

                The lines about pride have resonated with me recently because of some conflict that I’ve experienced with my husband.  He expressed to me his desire for me to come to bed at the end of the day with him.  I’ve been aware of this desire for the past few months, but I’ve really struggled not falling asleep when I cuddle my little ones at their bedtimes.  What I never really considered, until he pointed it out, was that this has been an ongoing problem since we were first married.  At first, I was furious and could only see my point of view (and I had a million reasons/excuses).   I felt like he had no perspective on how hard it was for me to accomplish this.  I apologized, but I honestly struggled with the criticism.  I don’t take criticism very well.  The next day, I still felt grumpy about it while I ran…but the more I prayed about it the more I realized how wrong I really was.  This was one area that would really help my hubby feel like a priority, so why was I being so stupid about it?  Wouldn’t I want him to change if something he was doing (or not doing) was making me feel like low man on the totem pole?  I love my hubby.  He is my best friend.  It’s time to be intentional about a change, so he no longer has to ask the question, “Where, o where, are you tonight?”

                What about you?  Is there anything that pride is getting in the way of you changing?