Day 12: Small Adjustments

     This week I looked at the state standards for what my kids should be learning for their grade level. Although they are both very bright girls, I knew I haven't been challenging my second grader enough--specifically in the writing arena. At first, I felt overwhelmed with guilt and thought about what a bad teacher I've been.  I wasn't focused on everything I have taught her and all the things she is way ahead in as far as the standards go. I have two choices at this point: make little adjustments to get her to meet requirements or give up. As silly as it sounds, I wanted to give up. I know from experience that if she doesn't like something it leads to tears and serious moaning on her part. We started using "Handwriting Without Tears" this year for her, and when she realized she needed to change her grip, she scribbled through the "out" on her book. It now reads "Handwriting With Tears". She hates writing...which is hard for me to relate to. She loves talking (which I can relate to), so I tried to explain that all she had to do was write down what she would normally tell me. There were still tears when she realized that she had to read 12 pages of history.  She quickly problem solved and asked if she could split the assignment over several days. Of course, I was agreeable to that as long as it's done before next week. I would've never suggested she do history on Saturday; but since it was her idea, there were no tears. I also asked her to work on writing a report on bearded dragons...part on facts she's read and part to persuade my hubby and me that she should really have another pet despite having a dog, cat, and soon to be chickens. She is saving up for one and has already checked four or five books out about them from the library (she's been spouting off all kinds of facts to me in the last three weeks). At first she was skeptical, but when she realized that my hubby and I were wavering about whether or not to give her some of her Christmas money toward her bearded lizard project, she didn't utter a word of complaint. Small adjustments with a little motivation can make all the difference.
     My small group read the book, "Motherhood: the guilt that keeps on giving" by Julie Barnhill a couple of years ago. What a good book! Not only was I forced to come face to face with my own humanness  (along with forgiving my mom for a few slip-ups), I was also forced to stop looking at consistency as unachievable. She writes that consistency is not equivalent with perfection (I'm paraphrasing here). Consistency implies continuing toward a goal, but it doesn't imply that there are no setbacks along the way (or momentary lapses). Some of my anger stems from my drive for perfection and my guilt over my lack of it. It is totally unreasonable to ever expect me to never yell for the rest of my life. Yesterday my throat felt hoarse from yelling at Harley, our dog. (He totally deserved it in my opinion because he wouldn't stop barking at my friend that he knows is my friend [and has cuddled and played with].) I will still continue to feel no guilt over yelling at an animal...humans are on a different level in my opinion. However,  I am shooting to not be known as "the mom who yells". I want to consistently work toward that goal. When my kids confess that they were afraid to tell me something because they were afraid I'd yell at them, it breaks my heart. I'd like to be seen as approachable and reasonable. The past week and a half have felt like a lot of small adjustments,  but I feel like they are adding up. I'm trying to do my part as God leads me while allowing God be in control of everything I am incapable of doing or preventing.
     I don't want my drive for perfectionism to prevent me from meeting my goal of speaking lovingly to humans and constructively correcting my kids when needed.
    How are you doing with your goals?

Day 10: The White Flag of Surrender

     For two days, there has been no yelling.  While my 4 year old was whining in my ear as we left our house yesterday, I just said, "You are making it very difficult for me not to yell. Hearing you whine makes me feel angry." There is clearly a way to express myself without cutting my child down or losing control of my volume, and I'm beginning to find some balance and satisfaction.
     Waving a white flag has always signified giving up a battle, and asking for peace (and maybe even mercy). Three summers ago when our pastor gave a message on surrendering our battles to God, I walked down the aisle to the cross set up with white flags below it. We
were supposed to pick up a flag to take with us as a reminder of our decision to surrender some battle with God.  That day was the day I laid down my excuses and decided to respect my husband because God asked me to--regardless of whether or not I felt loved by him. It made a world of difference in how I've approached decisions he has made in leading our family.
     The book by John Ortberg that I'm reading has a whole chapter devoted to guess what?  Surrender!  He makes the point that without totally surrendering yourself, you cannot be changed by God. He points out that twelve step programs all include surrendering to a higher power as one of their steps, and it's critical to any success.  On our own will power, we are not strong enough. I'm trying to process this all, but surrender means giving up control.  I don't like giving up control, but I really do want to change...and who is more trustworthy than God. Mr. Ortberg also points out that by surrendering we also leave the results up to God, and that feels a little freeing. I don't want it to be all on my shoulders.
     So for the past couple of days when surprises like sticky rice splatters all over the floor, I'm  saying out loud (sometimes through gritted teeth) to God, "I trust you are in control of every situation." Honestly, it's helping my attitude...maybe you'd like to give it a try too.

Week 1: Setting Goals

     Well, one week is complete of my challenge.  I wish I could say I never yelled, but that would be a lie. Yesterday, when my little one bent the curtain rod, I was very angry...I didn't yell till she refused to go sit in the corner for time-out. Oops! However,  I didn't yell nearly as much this past week. After a week of being much more intentional, it still leaves me wanting more. It is not enough to not raise my voice...the problem is that I can still be unkind at a lower volume. The real challenge is to be kind with my words and to be constructive with my comments, not just refrain from yelling.  I think that is why my girls sometimes feel like I'm yelling even if my voice never raises. At the end of the day, one girl will say I yelled while the other who was right there beside me will say I didn't. It is the tone and the way I say things that are just as damaging as my volume. 
     The book "The Me I Want To Be" by John Ortberg talks about how just as we need God's grace for Salvation, we also need it to become who we want to be. "God's plan is not just for us to be saved by grace--it is for us to live by grace." For me this means letting go of my personal agenda and expectations and trying to focus on what God is asking me to do. It also means leaving the results to Him. That is hard for me...I like to be in control.
     This next week, I'd like to not only be conscious of my volume but how kind/constructive I am being with my words.
      So now you know my goal for this week ...I also met a different goal as of this week for my pregnancy.  I was hoping to make it to my third trimester and still be running. I'm excited to say that I am still running for 30 min. (although slightly slower) Reaching a goal has always felt good, and I'm sure that reaching my goal of changing how I deal with my anger will also feel good...a Christmas present fit for me, my daughters,  and the Birthday King.
     As a side-note, my two year old is not yelling as much either. That REALLY makes me smile!
     What goals are you setting and reaching for?

Day 4: The Other Side

      Well, you already know I'm listening to Mandisa a lot lately.  Her song "These Days" especially speaks to me today. It talks about all the things she doesn't like such as Mondays, bad news, lost keys or long flights; but ultimately God uses these tough days to grow her...and He is constantly with her showing her His love. She concludes how she is thankful for "these days" and for every moment God gives her. (see James 1:2-4) While typing this, Little Miss Potty-Trainer had another accident. I'm not sure if I'm yet at the point to love this moment,  but I'm not angry.
       One huge thing that impacts my anger tollerance is my marital relationship. It's probably honestly more influencial than any of the other triggers I mentioned. Last Tuesday when I mentioned we were adding three people to our feast, my hubby said, "Well, lets get another turkey." Too which I quipped that it was too late to thaw a turkey, but he graciously offered to take care of buying a fresh turkey and would even fry it. I really felt we should just stick with our original turkey since I had ordered it to be large, so we'd have leftovers. We'd be fine with it. He explained that he loved extra turkey, and he'd be happy to help out....it didn't have to all be on me. Side note: I don't like to ask for help, and this wasn't my idea. I started fuming inside. I hate to present myself as being unresonable; but honestly looking back, I can see I was clearly being a bit stubborn.
     He had no idea that earlier in the day I had spent a good amount of time reorganizing the refrigerator; but when he began unloading beverages from a cooler into my neatly organized refrigerator after his suggestion of adding another turkey, I began to see red.    
      Unfortunately, I couldn't see things objectively at the time and simply say, " Hey, could you keep those in the cooler, so I have more room in the fridge?" I felt like I was going to scream if I spoke. It was also time to eat, so I couldn't run off and avoid him till I cooled off. He also at some point mentioned that he actually thought we would have included a few more members of his family in our invite. He was simply stating it (as he later clarified), but I felt like he was saying I had failed which felt unfair to me since I didn't know until that moment that he wanted us to invite them. If I were a cartoon character,  there would have been steam rolling out of my ears.
      I'm not a confrontor. I'm a stuffer. It was probably a good thing that I couldn't run away because within a few moments my hubby picked up on my feelings and addressed them. I wish I could've magically had the mind of Christ, and seen the other side of the issue. After talking about it, I felt a little better. Two of my kids had been sick for the past 3 days, which as all mom's know can make you a little sleep deprived and sensitive. Add to that my current large belly (I'm 29 weeks prego) and the stress if hosting a meal (despite truly wanting to do it). I was a bit of a sitting duck. I wish I could say I rose above it all, but I didn't.
     Had my hubby not confronted me head on, I would've probably taken my frustration out on my kids that evening and possibly the following day even. Lovely, huh? When my hubby recently expressed his ideas about starting/purchasing a business and asking if I'd be open to helping with it, my first response was not joy that he'd want to work with me. I felt overwhelmed.  I don't want to think about any additional responsibility right now. We are having a baby in 8-11 weeks, and I homeschool while balancing our household's food, laundry, budget, and health needs. I waited for a long time before responding to hubby about his thoughts. He'd sent me a text message with his idea, so I prayed before responding (which helped a lot). Later when he spoke to me, he could tell I was burdened by it and told me not to worry about it. As I ran, I asked  God to help me leave my feelings on the treadmill and not let them affect our day of school.  It was all totally out of my control anyway. He answered my prayer, and there was no yelling that day. As I have listened to my hubby's thoughts about businesses, it has been easier to see the other side (which is my best defense in marital differences). When you see the other side it can totally change how you feel. I have to daily pray for the gift of perspective.
     How do you deal with marital or even friendship differences? I love the comments you are leaving. Thanks for sharing.

Day 2: Pull the Trigger

     First off, for those of you who expressed your ability to relate, please know that I will be praying especially for you during this month.
     My first challenge came just hours after my blog post about abstaining from yelling for one month. My two year old caught her foot on a half-full bowl of ramen noodles while exiting her booster seat spilling broth and noodles all over herself, the booster, the chair underneath the booster and the floor (what her foot was doing on the table is mysterious to me). My initial reaction wasn't anger, just that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize more work has been added to your already busy schedule.  I did raise my voice as I yelled out, "No, Addy, Stop! Your foot is caught!" My oldest insisted that it didn't count against me since I didn't sound angry, but I felt like a failure anyway. Yesterday a similar situation happened when I was mixing my alfredo sauce, and my two year old informed me that she'd had an accident.  Yes, she's been interested in potty training lately which adds a lovely new dimemsion to my challenge. I felt sick to my stomach, and again dreaded the clean-up. I ended up asking my oldest to stir the sauce while I did a quick change of my little one. Surprise accidents  are triggers. My pulse raced, and my stomach tightened. Not good!
     I know that trying to be somewhere on time like appointments or classes are another trigger for my temper, so getting everyone out the door on time to art class/Bible study was a challenge this morning...however, there was no yelling this morning. This was one small victory for me...I was 5 minutes late though, so it felt like a really small victory.
      Whining children is another trigger for me to yell. Really this could be reduced, but most of the time I feel overwhelmed and choose to "discipline" with my voice. This trigger is really the only one I can control out of these three through consistently discouraging the behavior.The past two days, I've been trying to work beyond my pregnant brain and whisper a prayer for inspiration.  For my youngest two it has meant a lot of time outs, and loss of toys or privileges. Yesterday, my oldest was complaining about the amount of math (which wasn't more than usual), so she was assigned extra problems.  This got the point across plus it was educationally beneficial. Bonus!
    So for those of you joining me on my challenge, what is working for you? What are your triggers? Please help me out and put it in the comments below.

"Say Goodbye" to Yelling

     I love the song by Mandisa "Say Goodbye". It says, "To the voice, to the liar in the mirror saying you can't ever change, to the guilt that's sitting on your shoulder always keeping you wrapped in chains, to the past that you can't undo, to the pain that you're walking through, to the small and the big mistakes, this is what love wants to say, 'Say goodbye, say goodbye. Every day is a brand new mercy. Hello, hello. This is where it starts now. Hello, hello. Everything can turn around in a moment. Here's your moment. You can say goodbye.' There is a grace that you can't imagine. There is a love you can't outrun. There is a peace you can hold on to when your world is coming undone. You don't have to give in to the fear. (You) Don't have to let your story stop here; and when that hand tries to pull you back, you don't have to go back. You don't have to go back to everything that breaks you down. It doesn't have to define you now. Jesus came to take it all away."
     I always thought I was a very patient person till I had children.  I loved puzzles, and doing things that required a lot of concentration,  but one of my worst faults is my tendency to yell when I'm frustrated. As a parent, I'm frustrated a lot. I've been praying about this area of my life for several years now, and although I've made improvements from time to time...my anger keeps popping it's head back up, and I do not control myself. It's embarrassing and frustrating, and most of all terrifying when I watch my girls follow in my footsteps. My two year old has a serious yelling problem, and I feel I am to blame because she is such a parrot at this age. I hate feeling hopeless, like it will never change. I'm tired of confessing this sin over and over along with asking forgiveness from my daughters when I blow it.
     For the next month (till Christmas), I'm going to especially concentrate on breaking this habit (which is what I feel it has become) by asking for God's grace to enable me and empower me to say goodbye to yelling.  There are a lot of projects that I could work on between now and when the next baby comes, but I think this is probably one of the best gifts my next child could have. I have many memories of my mom yelling when I was a child and specifically how awful I felt as a result. I don't want that for my children. Will you help me stay accountable? I promise to be honest...and if I learn anything helpful along the way, I will share it. I've started a book by John Ortberg entitled "The Me I Want To Be: Becoming God's Best Version of You", and already I can see this will be a helpful tool for the journey. The first thing that really struck me about this book is the statement that you are not going to be something you are not. If you are an introvert, you aren't going to change into an extrovert. God delighted in making you exactly who you are...and wants to use your natural qualities for something amazing. I will still always be a passionate person about things I care about, but I don't have to express myself in a way that hurts others around me. Anger is not sin, what I do with it can be. My oldest daughter was shocked when I read about God being angry with the Israelites for worshipping a golden calf. She stopped me and said, "Really, God gets angry?" As if anger in itself is wrong. It is important not to expect that you can somehow get rid of all feelings of anger (which is what I prayed for in the beginning, and silly me, it didn't work). It is part of being human. I'm committing to cessation of yelling for the next month, and hopefully for the rest of my life. Clearly, I'm not referring to life or death matters when yelling is called for...like when my child is darting away from me in the parking lot, and a car is coming. I'm talking about the other 99.5% of the time I yell.
     What would you like to say goodbye to in the next month? Please feel free to share in the comments, and we can hold each other accountable.

Feeling loved

      I remember a time when I despised church because of all the hypocrisy I saw. It seemed like there were only couple of good apples mixed in with the dozens of rotten apples. Everyone seemed to only care about the surface issues, but there was no real love among the people. I felt really sick just thinking about walking into a church.  Honestly though, I generally felt ill at ease around all groups of people starting in my teen years. There was a constant awareness within me that people would be judging me based on what their impression was of me.  I can't tell you how many times people would later tell me how their first impression of me was wrong.  I became convinced that no one would like me, and it made me want to avoid people at all cost. I felt that people who liked me were the exception, not the rule.
      Then I went to something called the Great Banquet for the first time about five years ago, and everything changed. It is a three day event where you are fed well spiritually and physically (I've been pregnant the three times I've gone through...the food is amazing). You give up your phone and watch but gain quiet time to actually listen without distraction. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly loved the way I'd always pictured the church loving each other. I saw real people being real about their flaws, and it deeply moved me. While I was there,  I realized that Christ sought out the most messed up people of His time because they were the ones who needed Him the most. It is no different today. The church is filled with sinners who continue to mess up but are forgiven. God knows I am one of them. After going through my three day weekend,  I knew I wanted to be a part of the church again...but to be real about my flaws. I wanted to show others love without the judgement that had turned me off to the church. I also really felt loved by God, and I finally believed that if God loved me, it didn't matter what anyone else thought of me. It gave me the courage to confess to people as God led me to because my focus was on what He thought of me. His love never changes. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us more, and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us less.
     I just went through another weekend this month; this time I served and shared my own flaws. I love being a part of a community of believers that are not afraid to admit their humanity in the name of helping others see Christ in a new light.  I went away from the weekend with tons of new sisters in Christ, and more fuel for my fire.   
      Maybe you are like I was and feel disillusioned with the church. Maybe you are apart of a church,  but you are in need of a little love. I would invite you to consider going through a three day event. There are lots of different ones depending on your denomination or location including Great Banquet, Tres Dias, Walk to Emmaus, Via de Cristo, or Crusillo. It is just one tool among many that God can use to reach you. I just want you to know that you are officially invited. What you do with the invitation is completely up to you.