I Know I Should be Asleep

     I can't sleep. The news that we are having a boy for the first time is slowly sinking in, and all the emotions are a little overwhelming at this point.
     I've heard our sonographer tell us "It's a girl!" so many times that my initial reaction to her saying "It's a boy!" was shock and disbelief. Before this pregnancy, I've analyzed how different each one is and given my husband hope that I think it just might be a boy--not this time. All I could see were all the similarities. I was convinced that this was a girl. We even had a name that we agreed on. The last two babies have had to wait till they were almost born to have a name picked out. Looks like this one will have to wait a while too for a name.
      I grew up with one brother, and though it was never spoken out loud, we both knew who our parent's favorite was. I was my daddy's girl, and could do no wrong. My brother was clearly my mom's favorite. (Of course, my brother still tries to argue now that my mom unfairly favors me...but seriously, who does she can oodles of his favorite food for and who does she plan every family meal around??) Don't get me wrong, I love my mom; but I always felt like a bother. She was always working on something.  I'm sure she played with me at some point, but I don't have any memories of it. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I even actually remember my mom sitting through an entire movie without having a sewing project or laundry to fold while she watched. I remember my dad pushing me on the swings,  but never my mom. I remember cooking pretend food and having "meals" with him, but not her. She was the oldest of seven; so for her, doing the work so I even had a chance to play most of the time was a new concept...and how she showed her love. I had hardly any children in my neighborhood save two families that lived next door to us for a couple of years a peice. I was devastated when they moved. When I found out my favorite parent was sick with cancer, I was even more devastated. When he died though, I had a chance to really connect with my mom for the first time, and see her as being more fun than I had ever known her to be before. This wasn't till I was 13 though.
     When I found out the first time that I was having a girl, I was a little disappointed and sad.  I was afraid that she would naturally just love my hubby and not feel a connection to me the way I felt toward my mom as a young child.  I thought maybe moms just naturally love their sons more. You can imagine my surprise when I realized how much I loved my little girl, and she truly loved me. She truly loves her daddy too, but at least 50% of the time I'm tempted to say she is still a momma's girl. She still asks me to sleep with her at night; and for the three years she went away to school, I listened in disbelief at how much she missed me (all the while with tears streaming down her face). She still runs over to me for a hug before I leave, or even when she just feels sad. I've grown to understand how a deep a mother's connection to her daughter can be. Having four girls has been very healing for me. I know that they all have a great connection with my hubby, but I've watched them all love me too. Daddy is still primarily more fun than me, but I do have my moments that I shine. We do fun things together (like go to Chuck E. Cheese and take hot cocoa to the zoo to drink while we watch the animals).  I've pushed them on the swings a lot, and I do watch movies with them as much as once a week with my hands empty. However,  they help me with work that I never touched as a young child. There is a trade-off for them, but they don't seem to mind.
     I think deep down inside I've convinced myself that there is probably something wrong with me-that I'm only meant to mother girls. I think I rationalized that God knew I'd somehow mess up a boy, so He never gave me one. I've written about my challenge to submit to my hubby, and having more than four children has been one of those challenges...not that my hubby demands more children, but the objection that permanently altering our bodies so we can't have more offspring feels very unnatural was my husband's idea. It is easy for me to see his point and agree with him; but as I've said before this, I wasn't planning on being pregnant again this soon. I was hoping for a little more time before I plunged back into the attachment and sleep deprivation that a newborn brings. I've honestly struggled with my feelings over this a lot. It has been a daily choice to accept that this was God's timing for our next one. I always wanted to have between 2 and 4 children.  More than 4 seemed too big for me, but I'm so glad that we are having a fifth. If I would have stopped at four (which was my plan), I would have missed out on experiencing a son.
     This truly feels like a gift (dare I say) for honoring how my husband feels. I love my girls, but I'm so excited to have a chance to say to others "how different boys are".