Skeletons In The Closet

     I woke up at 3 in the morning several days after going through Great Banquet with a strong feeling that I needed to tell the truth to my mom about an event that happened when I was a Senior in high school.
      A few months before I turned 18, I made the decision to have sex with my boyfriend (who is my dear hubby that I write so much about). I was afraid of losing him, but I had no idea that my choice would lead me to a life lived in more fear than I had ever experienced before. The first time we were together, I became pregnant. I knew that if anyone found out that I would be kicked out of the small private Baptist school I attended. I'd seen it done to another girl that they'd discovered was pregnant and kicked out just a week before the end of her Senior year. 
    Contact sports that we played in P.E. became an issue, and I also had to fake several periods (so my mom would be in the dark). One lie led to so many others. I constantly lived with the fear of anyone knowing, and I became very paranoid. We planned on telling our parents over Christmas break, and hopefully I could switch to a different private school that would allow me to finish out my senior year. I dreaded telling my
mom because I knew it would break her heart. I had always played the role of the good girl in my family, and I really didn't want to lose her trust.
      When I was 14 weeks pregnant,  I began bleeding in large quantities and experienced what I now know to be contractions. I had been spotting for a couple of weeks, but I knew some women that did that through their entire pregnancies. I called up my boyfriend who was the only one that knew, and he tried to console me. It was a horrible experience. I ended up having a miscarriage in the upstairs bathroom of my house, and later that night I snuck out of my house for the first and only time to meet up with my boyfriend and go to the emergency room to confirm that my miscarriage was complete. Because I had turned 18 just two weeks prior, I was considered an adult and my mother was never notified.
      Later that night, I left against medical advice, still knowing I had a few hurdles to jump before this was all "over", and I had officially "gotten away with it". The next day was a school day, but I knew there was no way that I would be up for attending. If I didn't stop bleeding by that Friday, they would readmit me to the hospital for a D&C. Even if I did stop bleeding,  I had a doctor's appointment for Friday afternoon during school hours that I would have to sneak out for.
     The following morning my mom took one look at my white-as-a-sheet face and asked if I felt all right. The night before, I had told her I was having really bad cramps because of the my period. I simply told her how awful my cramping still was, and she let me take the day off from school.   Thursday night I was still bleeding,  but amazingly by Friday morning, I had stopped. Later that afternoon I successfully snuck out of school for my doctor appointment  and reentered an hour later without being missed (I had only missed study hall).
     At first it was a relief that no one had found out. I thought life could go back to normal, but the only problem with that was I was no longer the same person. I was dealing with the grief of losing a child, and all the lies that I told that I was planning on explaining still hung over my head since no one knew. The guilt was horrible, and overwhelming. I had no one to talk to except for my boyfriend; and though he was wonderfully kind, he soon became tired of my neediness. I became seriously depressed, and I literally felt like I was losing my mind.  My senior year was an awful memory. I watched other girls my age get pregnant out of wedlock, and I heard every snide remark said behind their back by so-called "Christians". They professed to love Christ but were incapable of loving others. I decided I wanted nothing to do with the church and their hypocrisy. For nearly seven years, I rarely stepped foot into a church; but once we began having children of our own, I slowly woke up to the fact that I did want them to go to church and know about God. Five years after our first child was born,  God began calling me back to Him. That fall when I went through the Great Banquet was a huge turning point for me. I realized how much I wanted to be a part of the church, and truly love others the way Christ calls us to. I want to change others perceptions of the church by being genuine and authentic, not pretending to have it all together. God began asking me to uncover my lies, and get real with those I'd tried to fool.
      When I woke up in the middle of the night, I tried to go back to sleep. I lay there for a long time telling God why it was a bad idea to tell my mother about my miscarriage. Finally, I did agree that I would tell her, but I asked Him for a sign as to when. That was when I realized the date was November 14th, 2007. God woke me up on the 13 year anniversary of my miscarriage. I decided that was a pretty good sign. I called her later that day to tell her that I had something to talk to her about the next time I was home.
     For the past 13 years I had lived in fear that if anyone knew my secret, they would despise me and not be my friend anymore, let alone love me. I always felt that I had to be perfect in order to be loved. I don't know who I thought I was fooling. If you are around me for even a few minutes,  I'm sure you could see how imperfect I am. However, that was the stupid lie I believed.  That Thanksgiving when I told my mom, she responded with so much love that I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I realized that nothing could EVER change her love for me. Two years later when I was given the opportunity to share my story with a small group of women, I was amazed by their response and by the people who later told me how much my story had helped them. I ended up sharing my story with them on the 15 year anniversary of my miscarriage. God's timing is amazing.
     The following year, I was asked to share my story publicly at a kick-off rally for "40 Days for Life".  This is a peaceful pro-life group that organizes a prayer and fasting vigil for 40 days along with community outreach programs for those in need of help. Some of you may be wondering where abortion fits into my story. I'm sad to admit that because of the depth of my fear of others finding out (and not being ready to be a mom) I called to find out the details of when and where I could have an abortion performed. I will never stand in judgment of those of you who have ever had a similar experience. The only reason I did not have an abortion is that my boyfriend said that it was absolutely not an option. I loved him and couldn't stand the thought of losing him, so I didn't pursue it any further. My heart truly goes out to girls that feel abortion is wrong (as I always have), but are so afraid of others knowing that they will do anything. I'm involved with "40 Days For Life" because I want to be there to comfort another girl that is just as afraid as I was and offer her my help.
     It was only after I was willing to be real about my secrets that God opened my eyes and heart to others in need around me. Sharing my story has changed my life for the better.
 
"40 Days For Life" fall campaign is from Sept. 26-Nov 4. If you would like to be involved in this international peaceful organization, please click on the link below for details of how to do so:
www.40daysforlife.com